tldr; the awe-someness of experiencing your body and soul heal probably makes up for the horrible emotional & physical pain and suffering that chronic illness causes. But it's still hard and I still complain and decided to vent.
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I swear I have been at home sick most of the time I have had my new job, and my doctor tried to convince me that I didn't need her help with migraine medications. I had to interrupt her and stand up for myself. By the end I was so anxious and dissociated that I just wanted to disappear and for it all to be over. Why is the world the way that it is.
I think I must have an autoimmune condition or disease for me to stay sick for so long every time I catch anything. I never get over sicknesses quicker than 7 days. I seem to catch something every month, and then I have a migraine episode every month..
After years of stressful searching, I finally have my dream job and this is what happens.
It literally never ends. Where are the good doctors? Will my month-long wait for my UW med appointments be worth it? I pray so. I reached out to Bastyr to get in with their medical team. Maybe they will listen to me and take me seriously.
I have been living at the end of my rope for years now.
Last month, I had the first respite I can remember with very little pain, and I am starting to see how my hormone cycle is impacting my pain and my migraines as well. I think finally because my stress is decreasing as I turn to Christ and regain hope for my life in my new relationship, my body is starting to tell me what is actually going on. Unsurprisingly, it's what I have been trying to tell everyone this whole time. But it was screaming so loud that no one could hear. :| I wish that I could explain how much pain I have experienced. But I also wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone. I wish that my doctors would at least just shut up and believe me, stop assuming irrelevant stuff, and listen to me.
.... exhales
The truth is that
there is nothing more real in life than pain. There is nothing more centering in life than suffering. There is nothing more humbling in life. Pain is a catalyst for growth. Pain is a catalyst for transformation. Pain heals. When the body is breaking apart and screaming at you, and the whole world is treating you like a lesser being because you are incapable of showing up like you used to, pain is deconstructing your toxic and harmful beliefs, ideologies and wastes of energy. Pain is healing your soul. If you let it.
Saint Paisios would say something like... "Thank you God for this suffering. It was needed for my salvation." What an incredible man. Completely crazy by this world's standards. But more sane than any of us remember how to be.
And, other truth is that
while my soul relearns how to live, my body relearns how to live too. The amount of progress I have made with my Physical Therapist is mindblowing. It has been over a year now of regular PT, and when we think we have done it all, we are proven wrong again. My body was like an onion; layer upon layer of tension, pain, and hurt. My body was holding itself in a guarded pain place for the last decade + of my life because the disease inside of my body was pulling on my organs and muscles; twisting and pulling them into a constant state of spasm.
The amount of pain that I have been experiencing my whole life was already off the charts for most people, so much that I didn't know it was there. I was "used to it".
And now with most of my disease removed (as much as a well-trained human can do), my body is relearning how to be. And my scar tissue still remains where my disease used to be, pulling and pinching in reminding moments. I should write some poetry or music about this, huh...
But, the truth is that week by week, more and more of my body was healing. My scar tissue healed, my wounds healed, and then my body calmed down, and I needed massage therapy. Once my chronic muscle tension was worked, for the first time in my life, the muscles would relax and stay that way. And it was exactly like an onion analogy. Layers external and layers internal all the way deep into my body and my pelvic floor where my disease targeted a lot of its attacks.
The truth is... that most of the medical world still doesn't know how to treat the chronically ill. Most of the world still doesn't know how to treat the disabled. But, the truth is that there are some select few who do a darn-good job, and the body will follow suit.
The truth is, that it takes a lot of faith. The truth is, that our bodies heal anyway. No matter what we decide. We just have to let them. So how are we hindering their healing? Sometimes, the healing our bodies want to do is so hindered, that it can't. Sometimes we have to live with that forever.
But the truth is that the little things are much bigger than anything else in life we pay attention to. Pain is a gift because it forces you to slow down and remember those things, and rejoice in them.
I think many people are unhappy because they are unable to slow down or rejoice in the little things.
So, we suffer. And we rejoice. And this is life. And it is a gift. Even if it's hard.
