Sickness. A little Rant

 tldr; the awe-someness of experiencing your body and soul heal probably makes up for the horrible emotional & physical pain and suffering that chronic illness causes. But it's still hard and I still complain and decided to vent.

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I swear I have been at home sick most of the time I have had my new job, and my doctor tried to convince me that I didn't need her help with migraine medications. I had to interrupt her and stand up for myself. By the end I was so anxious and dissociated that I just wanted to disappear and for it all to be over. Why is the world the way that it is.

I think I must have an autoimmune condition or disease for me to stay sick for so long every time I catch anything. I never get over sicknesses quicker than 7 days. I seem to catch something every month, and then I have a migraine episode every month..

After years of stressful searching, I finally have my dream job and this is what happens.

It literally never ends. Where are the good doctors? Will my month-long wait for my UW med appointments be worth it? I pray so. I reached out to Bastyr to get in with their medical team. Maybe they will listen to me and take me seriously.

I have been living at the end of my rope for years now.

Last month, I had the first respite I can remember with very little pain, and I am starting to see how my hormone cycle is impacting my pain and my migraines as well. I think finally because my stress is decreasing as I turn to Christ and regain hope for my life in my new relationship, my body is starting to tell me what is actually going on. Unsurprisingly, it's what I have been trying to tell everyone this whole time. But it was screaming so loud that no one could hear. :| I wish that I could explain how much pain I have experienced. But I also wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone. I wish that my doctors would at least just shut up and believe me, stop assuming irrelevant stuff, and listen to me.

.... exhales

The truth is that

there is nothing more real in life than pain. There is nothing more centering in life than suffering. There is nothing more humbling in life. Pain is a catalyst for growth. Pain is a catalyst for transformation. Pain heals. When the body is breaking apart and screaming at you, and the whole world is treating you like a lesser being because you are incapable of showing up like you used to, pain is deconstructing your toxic and harmful beliefs, ideologies and wastes of energy. Pain is healing your soul. If you let it.

Saint Paisios would say something like... "Thank you God for this suffering. It was needed for my salvation." What an incredible man. Completely crazy by this world's standards. But more sane than any of us remember how to be.

And, other truth is that

while my soul relearns how to live, my body relearns how to live too. The amount of progress I have made with my Physical Therapist is mindblowing. It has been over a year now of regular PT, and when we think we have done it all, we are proven wrong again. My body was like an onion; layer upon layer of tension, pain, and hurt. My body was holding itself in a guarded pain place for the last decade + of my life because the disease inside of my body was pulling on my organs and muscles; twisting and pulling them into a constant state of spasm.

The amount of pain that I have been experiencing my whole life was already off the charts for most people, so much that I didn't know it was there. I was "used to it".

And now with most of my disease removed (as much as a well-trained human can do), my body is relearning how to be. And my scar tissue still remains where my disease used to be, pulling and pinching in reminding moments. I should write some poetry or music about this, huh...

But, the truth is that week by week, more and more of my body was healing. My scar tissue healed, my wounds healed, and then my body calmed down, and I needed massage therapy. Once my chronic muscle tension was worked, for the first time in my life, the muscles would relax and stay that way. And it was exactly like an onion analogy. Layers external and layers internal all the way deep into my body and my pelvic floor where my disease targeted a lot of its attacks.

The truth is... that most of the medical world still doesn't know how to treat the chronically ill. Most of the world still doesn't know how to treat the disabled. But, the truth is that there are some select few who do a darn-good job, and the body will follow suit.

The truth is, that it takes a lot of faith. The truth is, that our bodies heal anyway. No matter what we decide. We just have to let them. So how are we hindering their healing? Sometimes, the healing our bodies want to do is so hindered, that it can't. Sometimes we have to live with that forever.

But the truth is that the little things are much bigger than anything else in life we pay attention to. Pain is a gift because it forces you to slow down and remember those things, and rejoice in them.

I think many people are unhappy because they are unable to slow down or rejoice in the little things.

So, we suffer. And we rejoice. And this is life. And it is a gift. Even if it's hard.

The True Tale of Rene and Clara

Rene and Clara are complex individuals. Like any humans, they have aspects and stages of their personalities and growth that make them whole; showing themselves at some times and not at others; waxing and waning. Rene and Clara are always whole and always healing from hurt and growing in their own lives. They aren't quick to notice, but they are both perfect and fallible. 

Rene and Clara  are similar and unique. They are both peace-makers and peacekeepers, historically; rocks. They both want to give more than they know how to receive, and they both give more easily to others-- the love that they seek and need to feel themselves. 

They are good at loving. Both of them are, but not as good at loving themselves.

Despite the love between them, shared and given and received, the love between themselves in their own hearts is the love they need the most-- and the sort that they don't know how to reconcile with.  They can give gentle, filling love, but can they receive it? They need to learn how. Not just for love-- but also to truly know and honor themselves. 

The love they gave each other is the love that they themselves need to give their own hearts, minds, bodies. For this reason, the love that Rene and Clara shared when they were together was a big love. It filled them up inside and it poured over. This love alone was so pure and in such short supply within themselves, that it alone felt like enough-- like everything. Infinity. 

And when together, they found a rhythm. "I will love you the way that I need love, and you will love me the way that you need love and in the end, because of our similarity in love-language, we will both be filled." And it worked. It seemed to. For a while.

The ways they need and give love were so compatible; that it felt right. It seemed perfect. It was the best match. And it worked for a long time. And it blossomed their hearts into something bigger than they had known before. 

But unknowingly in their joy, they still couldn't take care of themselves in the emotional ways that they needed-- out of fear, stubbornness, and surely something else. But they could take care of each other and it made them happy. So they did.

Until they couldn't anymore. 

Rene's love for Clara made him feel young and light. An image of him breathing and smiling outside as cherry blossoms fall around him-light. He lifts his head to the sky and laughs, cries. His arms outstretched. 

But even this was a stretch for Rene. He had been ignoring a hard truth. He wasn't attracted to Clara. Somehow, even after all this time, and all the intimacy he wanted to share with her, he just loved her and didn't want to share her body. He loved her so immensely. Not quite like a mother or a daughter, a sibling or a best friend. But more. He wanted to take care of her forever, and to meet all of her needs. He tried. And when he couldn't, time and time again, it left him feeling hollow, wrong, and tormented.

A knot formed in his chest, and it lived there with him. 

For many months, he continued to love Clara. He played the part. He wanted to lift her up. She deserved everything from him. And anything less felt like a betrayal to himself, a blot against his heart. So, he was afraid. Every month or so-- every few weeks, Clara would come to him with her love and affection and ask him; why? when? She wanted to love him and be with him in all ways-- physically, and fully. Rene wanted that for her. Nothing more than to give her that. And the knot returned. And with it, Rene became frozen like a block of ice. Arms, and gut tightened and his throat imobile. 

Rene fought with himself. A war. To force himself to feel or not feel, to be or not be, and in the process to dishonor himself and his truth. He wept. And he wept. He was spent. 

This continued for a long time. Each time Clara returned to him, the knot grew tighter and his limbs grew heavier. He saw her grieve the lack of his touch. He felt sick to his stomach. Furious with himself. In pain. Trapped, lost. 

Then one day, Clara came to him and something had changed. Behind her had eyes sat only concern and compassion. 

"Tell me what weights so heavily on your heart, Rene. " She said. 

Rene did not know why, but in that moment, he summoned the courage, and finally, pulling the knot out of his stomach, he spoke. 

Rene wept. 

Clara wept. 

And Clara wrapped her arms strong around him. 

"It's going to be okay."

And with them, a peace emanated from her onto him. 

So together, they climbed down the mountain they had built. Clara steadied him and held him and comforted him as he walked, and in turn, Rene was there to embrace Clara and soothe her as she wept. 

The truth wasn't any less painful to digest. 

But soon-after, Clara and Rene realized that the only way to love each other fully was to part ways, and to make space in their own lives for the love that they needed to find. 

Eventually, they realized that they were still in need of love from themselves. 

They grieved; strongly and alone, for along time. 

That grief never wiped out the love or fondness they had for each other. No time could blot out their shared joy, optimism, enthusiasm and fond memories.

They hoped and believed that in some way, their love would always remain. So, they began to start again; leaving behind them the past that taught them and grew them. 

Clara hoped that someday her joy would resurface past her fear; and that the love she had would be an inspiration and motivation. But for now, she was still grieving; confused and frustrated at all the understandings and truths she believed she had found; only to discard them now to start anew.

Hoping, praying; someday she would pick up the pieces and realize that something precious and immortal had been born between them, and that would never go away. 

Thank You

Glory to Jesus Christ our Redeemer and Salvation

Send me forgiveness and redemption, Oh my God! 
You are more wonderful than all your works-- and in betrayal, I gave myself over to death. 
I am given the Earth and the heavens, even as I betray you--Oh Holy Christ. 
You do not keep your blessings from me. You do not withhold your grace. 
I am worthy of death, but death you do not give me. 
Oh Holy Christ. When I fall and curse, you raise me up. 
When I die in sin, you die in purity to save my soul. 
Glory to You Oh Lord Glory to You! How wonderful are your works! 
Forgive me Oh Lord; in my unbelief, I have killed you. 
In my fallen state, you have been crucified. 
But how you never leave my side by your pure love. 

January 4th, 2022

True, Pure, Infinite Love

Soulmates can be best friends. Best friends can be a different sex from your own. I can live with my best friends for my whole life if I want to. I can raise my own family with my chosen family (friends) and live together if I want to. I can love in many different ways. Infinite different ways, and be giving and sharing and passionate with many different people. I can chose to keep loved ones close. I can chose to have a community in an "alternative" lifestyle. My lifestyle. This is the beauty of freedom.

Humans are made to love in more ways that we often give ourselves a template for. I have been given the gift of experiencing this. My birth-given religious traditions make no room for this. It is real. I do believe in Christ and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I know it to be true. But I also know many other beautiful things to be true. Our God is not contained within the confines of tradition or social construct. The way white people have chosen to constrict God through their methods of Christianity is opposing to the divine truth, and the all-encompassing love that Christ gives to those who seek Him. If we truly want to find Christ, we need to read the gospels on love, get over our tradition and pride, and take a long ass hike through the world; through the fields of discomfort, through the crowds of strangers and dare to challenge ourselves in what is difficult, to learn to hold life in it's purest form.

True, Pure, Infinite Love is ours for the taking. All we must do is allow ourselves to be open to it.

--- Upon rereading this, I know it is cryptic. I am talking about the church being anti-gay and anti-premarital sex. I have lived a life which has proven to me that honoring our sexuality is an essential part of forming love with ourselves and with others. My first real, true loving relationship was with a gay man. This relationship had whole, filling intimacy, with waxes and wanes of giving and receiving care and love. This man was the first person in my life to see me as I fully am, and to embrace and love me enthusiastically for it. In breaking up with him, I have had to relearn how to feel love, knowing that he gave me love in a bigger way than I even know yet how to give myself. When we were together, our love for each other was overpouring. I had extra love and energy to spare. But somewhere along the road, his grief and pain of his past and the way he views himself hardened him, and I was no longer granted access to the depths of his heart and mind. This lack of intimacy was the largest loss, but the shift of our relationship to become one of friendship has not been easy or comfortable. It is painful, and I have resolved that it may be painful for a very long time. But that is okay. Grief is a beautiful thing, and I am capable of moving forward and loving others and myself regardless of how I feel for him. He will always be there, and we still continue to love each other in our passing moments.

I have been blessed. I have experienced a taste of true love. Its overpouring, infinite nature. Grief of any size can not fill that. Nor need it. There is no way to express how truly and deeply it was, is; and at the same time how beautiful, true, right, loving and good it was for us to part ways as significant-others. I do not regret any single moment of the last few years with him, or the moments since we decided to part. All involved positive growth and love. Love is listening. Love is embracing. Love is forgiving. Love is empathizing. Love is being selfless, not because you think you should but because you genuinely, deeply want nothing more than to be.