Rene and Clara are complex individuals. Like any humans, they have aspects and stages of their personalities and growth that make them whole; showing themselves at some times and not at others; waxing and waning. Rene and Clara are always whole and always healing from hurt and growing in their own lives. They aren't quick to notice, but they are both perfect and fallible.
Rene and Clara are similar and unique. They are both peace-makers and peacekeepers, historically; rocks. They both want to give more than they know how to receive, and they both give more easily to others-- the love that they seek and need to feel themselves.
They are good at loving. Both of them are, but not as good at loving themselves.
Despite the love between them, shared and given and received, the love between themselves in their own hearts is the love they need the most-- and the sort that they don't know how to reconcile with. They can give gentle, filling love, but can they receive it? They need to learn how. Not just for love-- but also to truly know and honor themselves.
The love they gave each other is the love that they themselves need to give their own hearts, minds, bodies. For this reason, the love that Rene and Clara shared when they were together was a big love. It filled them up inside and it poured over. This love alone was so pure and in such short supply within themselves, that it alone felt like enough-- like everything. Infinity.
And when together, they found a rhythm. "I will love you the way that I need love, and you will love me the way that you need love and in the end, because of our similarity in love-language, we will both be filled." And it worked. It seemed to. For a while.
The ways they need and give love were so compatible; that it felt right. It seemed perfect. It was the best match. And it worked for a long time. And it blossomed their hearts into something bigger than they had known before.
But unknowingly in their joy, they still couldn't take care of themselves in the emotional ways that they needed-- out of fear, stubbornness, and surely something else. But they could take care of each other and it made them happy. So they did.
Until they couldn't anymore.
Rene's love for Clara made him feel young and light. An image of him breathing and smiling outside as cherry blossoms fall around him-light. He lifts his head to the sky and laughs, cries. His arms outstretched.
But even this was a stretch for Rene. He had been ignoring a hard truth. He wasn't attracted to Clara. Somehow, even after all this time, and all the intimacy he wanted to share with her, he just loved her and didn't want to share her body. He loved her so immensely. Not quite like a mother or a daughter, a sibling or a best friend. But more. He wanted to take care of her forever, and to meet all of her needs. He tried. And when he couldn't, time and time again, it left him feeling hollow, wrong, and tormented.
A knot formed in his chest, and it lived there with him.
For many months, he continued to love Clara. He played the part. He wanted to lift her up. She deserved everything from him. And anything less felt like a betrayal to himself, a blot against his heart. So, he was afraid. Every month or so-- every few weeks, Clara would come to him with her love and affection and ask him; why? when? She wanted to love him and be with him in all ways-- physically, and fully. Rene wanted that for her. Nothing more than to give her that. And the knot returned. And with it, Rene became frozen like a block of ice. Arms, and gut tightened and his throat imobile.
Rene fought with himself. A war. To force himself to feel or not feel, to be or not be, and in the process to dishonor himself and his truth. He wept. And he wept. He was spent.
This continued for a long time. Each time Clara returned to him, the knot grew tighter and his limbs grew heavier. He saw her grieve the lack of his touch. He felt sick to his stomach. Furious with himself. In pain. Trapped, lost.
Then one day, Clara came to him and something had changed. Behind her had eyes sat only concern and compassion.
"Tell me what weights so heavily on your heart, Rene. " She said.
Rene did not know why, but in that moment, he summoned the courage, and finally, pulling the knot out of his stomach, he spoke.
Rene wept.
Clara wept.
And Clara wrapped her arms strong around him.
"It's going to be okay."
And with them, a peace emanated from her onto him.
So together, they climbed down the mountain they had built. Clara steadied him and held him and comforted him as he walked, and in turn, Rene was there to embrace Clara and soothe her as she wept.
The truth wasn't any less painful to digest.
But soon-after, Clara and Rene realized that the only way to love each other fully was to part ways, and to make space in their own lives for the love that they needed to find.
Eventually, they realized that they were still in need of love from themselves.
They grieved; strongly and alone, for along time.
That grief never wiped out the love or fondness they had for each other. No time could blot out their shared joy, optimism, enthusiasm and fond memories.
They hoped and believed that in some way, their love would always remain. So, they began to start again; leaving behind them the past that taught them and grew them.
Clara hoped that someday her joy would resurface past her fear; and that the love she had would be an inspiration and motivation. But for now, she was still grieving; confused and frustrated at all the understandings and truths she believed she had found; only to discard them now to start anew.
Hoping, praying; someday she would pick up the pieces and realize that something precious and immortal had been born between them, and that would never go away.
Thank You
