My Mind

I learn and process information really quickly; 

and so I live life at a pace much faster than the people around me; 

and it makes it really hard for me to feel connected and close to the people in my life. 

In the span of 1 day, I process all that days information plus any information from previous days that wasn't processed as far as it could be. I feel all sorts of different kinds of moods in one day. And I embody them. One moment I want to sing and dance, and then next I am staring at a wall, and another I am crying & singing and grieving a loss that belongs to someone else who I met in life, but because I feel their burdens metaphysically/empathically, I embrace their heart and weep for them alone in my own home; the tears that they can't weep for themselves. All of it feels unburden-some to me. Right.

I have so much love and emotion and insight to offer. And it doesn't burden me to feel. It frees me. 

I have yet to meet anyone else who seems to be able to keep pace. Or if I have, I am no longer able to keep them as close as I would like for other complex reasons (yes I have a specific person in mind but who knows anything really).

It is lonely. And isolating. But a different sort of loneliness than the kind I experienced in childhood. I don't know if English needs to invent another word or if it is the same emotion in a different lesser layer.

But, I don't have the patience to wait around and witness the same things happen in circles... over and over. I get bored. I move on. I want something new, and stimulating, because to me, the circles need to grow and change. Being stuck doesn't make sense to me. It is not something I would accept in myself, nor can I understand in others... But maybe all of this is from a blind-spot of mine that I have yet to be shown/uncovered fully.

And it is very hard for me to be a constant for people who are stuck. I can't imagine allowing myself to settle. Settle down. Settle for less; less than I am worth and less than I can offer. Less than my absolute best in every possible area. What a crazy idea. What a burden. But it frees me! How is that? (throws head back laughing). God in Heaven! You understand what I mean and feel! But it is something my words can not even fathom let alone describe. 

So,

Humans are hard for me. 

They have so many problems that weigh them down.

But I live to resolve my problems. Absorb them. Pray them away. Grieve, Release. Dissect. Everything is math. Everything has a source. Everything has a law and a rule and a formula. It all makes sense eventually; somewhere. We just aren't always capable of comprehending it all. It comes to us at different parts of our life in different ways, and for different reasons; with different levels of effort to find them. I live to feel and express and process everything. And I grow so fast because of them. I am twenty four. 

But where are the other people like me? [and would it really serve me to find someone as distracted and unfocused as I am to be my counterpart(ner)?]

Will I ever find them? [not even just a counterpart(ner) but there are so many beautiful loving friendships I am dying to have and have not yet embraced or found.]

Where should I look to find them?

Is this how my life is doomed to be? Living at an entirely different pace from everyone around me? It is so isolating, confusing, frustrating. 

Lonely.

And God-forbid I become narcissistic or arrogant. That is not my intent. Not my goal. I am self-focused. But everyone is. We are all self-focused. 

No, I want to help people. 

And I know that I can't sit still long enough to make a statement. 

I can't focus on one thing long enough to make a difference. 

I get bored and frustrated by playing the game. 

The rules are all wrong. The rules of life. 

I don't want to live in this societal construct. It is suffocating. It is unethical. It is incorrect. It is isolating. It is trapping. Harsh. Cold. Dark. And yet it is maybe the most free and liberated one on the planet thus-far in human history as we know it. Promising? Hopeful? Yes, we must remember to celebrate even the little things with elated gratitude.

Could my words make an impact? My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions?
Is it possible that someone else out there; you; reading this.. would even read this and somehow feel less alone?

Are we connected you and I? Are we communing?

Will you let me know? Energetically? Telepathically? Physically? Spiritually?

If we are communing, will you run out into the wilderness and sing off the edge of a cliff?
Will you dance to the music in the store, in your car, at a restaurant? Unashamed? Unafraid?

Will you approach strangers in life with a smile?
Tell them what's on your mind and send them good vibes when they show that they want to be left alone?

I need to write a song about it. I need to cry tears about it. Sing, Dance and Scream about it. Hike and Climb and Beam about it. 

It is essential for me. I must express. I must commune. With you. Dear Dear Stranger. 

Farewell, please.

Love yourself for me. That is all I ask of you today. Love yourself and show compassion. Lend your ear to yourself and hold your hand. Kiss your hands and feet and thank them for carrying you through your day. 

God Bless you, stranger.

~
Rosem