It is okay to not be okay. Be patient with yourself.
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I am not okay. I am very impatient with myself. I feel like I should be completely okay. I feel like I have no right or reason to not be okay. I am mean to myself. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am not okay. I am not. I am not okay and I don't want to admit it or say it or let anyone else hear it because it is not okay to not be okay. You have to be okay for people to like you. You have to be okay in order to grow. You have to be okay in order to build healthy relationships. You have to be okay in order to be happy. You have to be okay in order to like yourself. You have to be okay. Tell me I am wrong because it hurts too much to have to push all the time. And yet, I will keep pushing. I was cast out into the dust by someone for making excuses. I was cast out by someone for not being who I want to be. I was cast out by someone for not being okay. In the end, he was the one who was not okay, but my heart was torn into pieces. To this day, how will I learn that it is okay? How can I feel that I am okay when I am hurting? How can I feel that I am okay when I make mistakes; that I am okay when I am having panic attacks or anxiety or when I text you a lot throughout the day about anything and everything because I want to because I care? How can I learn that I am okay and that I am loved when my love was ripped away from me for being those things? How can I be okay with not being okay? It is a backwards and broken ideology but he was the stronger one, the better one. How can I learn to listen to myself first and how can I learn to not pick an asshole to give all my love and affection to? How will I know how to be okay? How will I know how to be safe next time? These are the real questions. Help me, Lord.
I am not okay. I am very impatient with myself. I feel like I should be completely okay. I feel like I have no right or reason to not be okay. I am mean to myself. I am hurting. I am lonely. I am not okay. I am not. I am not okay and I don't want to admit it or say it or let anyone else hear it because it is not okay to not be okay. You have to be okay for people to like you. You have to be okay in order to grow. You have to be okay in order to build healthy relationships. You have to be okay in order to be happy. You have to be okay in order to like yourself. You have to be okay. Tell me I am wrong because it hurts too much to have to push all the time. And yet, I will keep pushing. I was cast out into the dust by someone for making excuses. I was cast out by someone for not being who I want to be. I was cast out by someone for not being okay. In the end, he was the one who was not okay, but my heart was torn into pieces. To this day, how will I learn that it is okay? How can I feel that I am okay when I am hurting? How can I feel that I am okay when I make mistakes; that I am okay when I am having panic attacks or anxiety or when I text you a lot throughout the day about anything and everything because I want to because I care? How can I learn that I am okay and that I am loved when my love was ripped away from me for being those things? How can I be okay with not being okay? It is a backwards and broken ideology but he was the stronger one, the better one. How can I learn to listen to myself first and how can I learn to not pick an asshole to give all my love and affection to? How will I know how to be okay? How will I know how to be safe next time? These are the real questions. Help me, Lord.
~Written in June of 2016~
