Value Calculations for Life and Time, A dillema

I am a preschool teacher. I have the best job in the world, besides possibly, being a "non-working" mother. (to be seen- hopefully)

Caring-for and raising children is worth an hourly wage of at least $88/hour here in the west coast of the USA in 2025. 

Why? If you factor in basic living costs, and then add-in societal and spiritual value for the entire future of the entire race of human beings or literally a maximum of 34 families per year. (If one year the class size is 17, and every child is raised to success and gets married and creates their own families someday).

And if I go to the store and buy some sanitizing wipes for my kids to stay healthy and clean, it costs me $10. $10 is equivalent to 30 minutes of my time at work. Most of us preschool teachers think; $10 is so little; I don't need to report it to my boss for reimbursement, and I, like them, threw away my receipt in the trash rather than going through the effort of reporting it to my boss for reimbursement. 

30 minutes!!!!!

for some hand-wipes

How many of those 30 minutes do we even have every day? 

wake up 7:30 comfortably... 0 work until 9:00 am... 9:00-12:00 is 8 (30 minutes).... You don't work for half an hour if you care about yourself. then 12:30-5:30 is 10 more (30 minutes)

we ONLY HAVE 18 - $10 hand wipes PER DAY

I CANT ACCEPT THIS

What can I do?

I must either: 

- accept that money is meaningless and just a means to an end

- accept a life of "free-loading" or poverty as higher-status or more authentic

OR

- fight against everyone and everything everywhere to try to get people to WAKE UP AND SEE HOW MUCH ABUSE IS TAKING PLACE

ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE

ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT

Do people treat me like I am a slave serving them at my own cost? No

Will they? No

Should they?

I don't want to be treated that way but People SHOULD be HONEST about WHAT THEY ARE DOING 

AND NOBODY IS BEING HONEST.

When will the world wake-up. Everyone was lied-to when they were told that they would be able to have a roof over their heads and do whatever they wanted to do. "the american dream"

Sickness. A little Rant

 tldr; the awe-someness of experiencing your body and soul heal probably makes up for the horrible emotional & physical pain and suffering that chronic illness causes. But it's still hard and I still complain and decided to vent.

-----------------------------------------------------

I swear I have been at home sick most of the time I have had my new job, and my doctor tried to convince me that I didn't need her help with migraine medications. I had to interrupt her and stand up for myself. By the end I was so anxious and dissociated that I just wanted to disappear and for it all to be over. Why is the world the way that it is.

I think I must have an autoimmune condition or disease for me to stay sick for so long every time I catch anything. I never get over sicknesses quicker than 7 days. I seem to catch something every month, and then I have a migraine episode every month..

After years of stressful searching, I finally have my dream job and this is what happens.

It literally never ends. Where are the good doctors? Will my month-long wait for my UW med appointments be worth it? I pray so. I reached out to Bastyr to get in with their medical team. Maybe they will listen to me and take me seriously.

I have been living at the end of my rope for years now.

Last month, I had the first respite I can remember with very little pain, and I am starting to see how my hormone cycle is impacting my pain and my migraines as well. I think finally because my stress is decreasing as I turn to Christ and regain hope for my life in my new relationship, my body is starting to tell me what is actually going on. Unsurprisingly, it's what I have been trying to tell everyone this whole time. But it was screaming so loud that no one could hear. :| I wish that I could explain how much pain I have experienced. But I also wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone. I wish that my doctors would at least just shut up and believe me, stop assuming irrelevant stuff, and listen to me.

.... exhales

The truth is that

there is nothing more real in life than pain. There is nothing more centering in life than suffering. There is nothing more humbling in life. Pain is a catalyst for growth. Pain is a catalyst for transformation. Pain heals. When the body is breaking apart and screaming at you, and the whole world is treating you like a lesser being because you are incapable of showing up like you used to, pain is deconstructing your toxic and harmful beliefs, ideologies and wastes of energy. Pain is healing your soul. If you let it.

Saint Paisios would say something like... "Thank you God for this suffering. It was needed for my salvation." What an incredible man. Completely crazy by this world's standards. But more sane than any of us remember how to be.

And, other truth is that

while my soul relearns how to live, my body relearns how to live too. The amount of progress I have made with my Physical Therapist is mindblowing. It has been over a year now of regular PT, and when we think we have done it all, we are proven wrong again. My body was like an onion; layer upon layer of tension, pain, and hurt. My body was holding itself in a guarded pain place for the last decade + of my life because the disease inside of my body was pulling on my organs and muscles; twisting and pulling them into a constant state of spasm.

The amount of pain that I have been experiencing my whole life was already off the charts for most people, so much that I didn't know it was there. I was "used to it".

And now with most of my disease removed (as much as a well-trained human can do), my body is relearning how to be. And my scar tissue still remains where my disease used to be, pulling and pinching in reminding moments. I should write some poetry or music about this, huh...

But, the truth is that week by week, more and more of my body was healing. My scar tissue healed, my wounds healed, and then my body calmed down, and I needed massage therapy. Once my chronic muscle tension was worked, for the first time in my life, the muscles would relax and stay that way. And it was exactly like an onion analogy. Layers external and layers internal all the way deep into my body and my pelvic floor where my disease targeted a lot of its attacks.

The truth is... that most of the medical world still doesn't know how to treat the chronically ill. Most of the world still doesn't know how to treat the disabled. But, the truth is that there are some select few who do a darn-good job, and the body will follow suit.

The truth is, that it takes a lot of faith. The truth is, that our bodies heal anyway. No matter what we decide. We just have to let them. So how are we hindering their healing? Sometimes, the healing our bodies want to do is so hindered, that it can't. Sometimes we have to live with that forever.

But the truth is that the little things are much bigger than anything else in life we pay attention to. Pain is a gift because it forces you to slow down and remember those things, and rejoice in them.

I think many people are unhappy because they are unable to slow down or rejoice in the little things.

So, we suffer. And we rejoice. And this is life. And it is a gift. Even if it's hard.

Glory to Jesus Christ our Redeemer and Salvation

Send me forgiveness and redemption, Oh my God! 
You are more wonderful than all your works-- and in betrayal, I gave myself over to death. 
I am given the Earth and the heavens, even as I betray you--Oh Holy Christ. 
You do not keep your blessings from me. You do not withhold your grace. 
I am worthy of death, but death you do not give me. 
Oh Holy Christ. When I fall and curse, you raise me up. 
When I die in sin, you die in purity to save my soul. 
Glory to You Oh Lord Glory to You! How wonderful are your works! 
Forgive me Oh Lord; in my unbelief, I have killed you. 
In my fallen state, you have been crucified. 
But how you never leave my side by your pure love. 

January 4th, 2022

Life Update

As you probably know, I am not good at not sharing. A lot of really paramount things have happened to me in my spiritual life, and it has been hard for me as I have kept it to myself to digest and not mis-speak. I fear being misunderstood. I pray these words can be accepted even if not comprehended. I have learned that we humans are not designed to comprehend everything nor capable of living at the same time as knowing or understanding everything, at least not in our current state. In my Pride and Ego and desire for mental control to soothe my insecurities, I have fallen a long way, for a long time, unknowlingly. My soul was lost and tasted death. 

A number of very specific things happened in my life resulting in the realization that my soul had been walking into hell. It started in a place of omnist, pegan-inspired and hindu and buddhist inspired spiritual exploration. This is my story. Jesus Christ reached down to hades and pulled me out of hell. Only when I cried to Him. Only when I saw my truth. But every time I did so. I am a sinner. I am a lost sheep. I do not want consolation!!! Jesus Christ is my consolation and to take away sight of sin from someone is evil. 

In my heart along my journey, I have been very afraid of rejection. So many people that I love and care about have been hurt by Christians. I let this feed my distain for Christians and avoided Christian communities. But the truth is that only Jesus Christ can save us. When we don’t fall, we don’t need it enough. When we don’t fall, we don’t want it enough. When we need it and we want it, we will find it. Don’t be afraid to fall. Faith is a gift, but our hearts must be open to receive it. 

My job isn’t to fix you. My job isn’t to convert you. I can't heal you. I am a sinner. My only task is to take up my cross in battle against Satan through the intercessions of the Saints and calling upon Jesus Christ to my aid. Love is the answer. Patience and compassion and humility are the answer. And respect and free-will are essential components of love.

I don’t know everything. I am not meant to know everything. In my attempt to know more than I ought, I found death. To be a Christian is to pester God to save you and guide you and keep you from the evil one. It is to be uncomfortable and to rejoice in it. It is to face persecution willingly with open arms. It is not easy. But it is the cup that overflows. And we are called to it. 

I don’t know what is going to happen in my social life when people hear this from me. I may lose loved ones. I may start fights. But whatever happens, Let God’s will be done. These are hard times. There is no use pretending to fit in. That is not who I am. That is not who I want to be nor who I am meant to be.

Here is what I see now that I did not:

-satan is absolutely real. My fear/deciding to not believe doesn’t change the facts or make it go away.

-Christians who do evil are under attack by satan.

-all people who do evil are under attack by satan. 

[Evil is anything from complaining to murder. There is a wide spectrum of what constitutes evil but I think we can all agree that the things that hurt us in the end probably weren’t good for us to begin with like we thought they would be. There are a million beautiful (holy) secular lenses with which to see the truth and to understand this concept. Harness the tools that you have and don’t let others bully you away from them.]

-God works in all things. God gets His hands dirty. He does not shy away from using all tools and all means to get our attention or lead us to salvation. He is *always* laboring to lead us to salvation and get our attention. All we have to do is let ourselves soften and be curious as a child and as loyal to our God as an animal companion to its human.

-The bible is packed full of wisdom and healing. As someone who considered myself Christian for 23 years, I still have not read the whole bible and avoiding it has been an unrealized action of me habitually giving way to temptation of the devil. 

-Regardless of the evil done publicly and openly by Christians! The bible ! Is healing ! Jesus Christ ! Is good ! And saving ! And all-loving !

I can’t stress this enough. Self-proclaimed Christians have committed some of the worst atrocities throughout human history, but it does not discredit Jesus Christ himself or the bible itself.. In the same way that a husband and wife do not deserve the same punishment when one falls and the other does not. We are our own beings. 
People talk shit about the bible, but so few people have actually read it in my experience.

-Everybody worships something.
Most of us worship our significant others. This is the most common theme. We fall down at their feet with all our vulnerability. We ask them to fix us and heal us. We sing about them “completing us”, and we give them all our problems. And it ruins us. It ruins us and them because no human can handle that weight. Only God can handle that weight. He is the only one who will ever be able to. Some people worship their solitude, themselves. Some people worship their homes and their possessions. Some their friends. Who knows. It is not our job to figure it out for anyone else but only our job to look at and take responsibility for ourselves.

-Following rules sets us free and ignoring them enslaves us.
As a tree is free by growing like a tree and doing what trees do best, and a cat is free by living like a cat and doing what cats do, and a bird is free by living like birds do… and when fair rules are followed, it creates societies, it creates machines, it creates computers and these all are greater than their individual parts. All of nature is built on the rules of science. Rules are freedom. Even Jesus Christ does not ask unfair rules. We are children and we are naïve and it is not easy trusting someone else to decide things for us. In the world we are let down by all, but in Christ we will never be let down. If you don’t believe me read the book of Job.

-You can not have the church without the saints. The church is a family and God is the father of the family. It is a large and diverse family. And we are all invited to be members of it. We are all called to be saints. Do not worship anyone besides Jesus Christ God. These are people meant to be your mentors and friends, your fellow warriors for Christ where prayer to God is our weapon. We kiss them and pray to them out of honor, asking for their prayers for us. They are the masters of prayer, and if you take time to be curious and get to know them you will find that they are all extremely unique and diverse, living God’s will through their own truths in their own being that God gave them to be. Let them reach out to you and reach out to them in return. Develop these relationships and let them inspire you. God gave his Holy Spirit and humbled himself, relinquishing control so that He could be with us. And those who follow Him he brings to the rank of His friends. He is our Shepherd and we are His sheep but it is much more than that, beyond human words, explanation or comprehension. Do not isolate yourself from the church which is your eternal family. No matter how you disagree with others. Our neighbor is our salvation. Discourse is healthy and we should learn it in love and respect. We must let others humble us and gain insight from them. As flawed humans we each only know a part of the picture and we are in need of each other to be shown our blind spots. 

-Tarot cards are against God’s will for humans to use. I don’t know anything else except that they absolutely do work and it leads people who realize this into hell via addiction, ego-filling, and turning to the cards more than Christ. Aka Idolatry, and the easiest path to be led to hell for me. If we are capable of knowing and experiencing without it killing us, God gives it to us. But we are blinded by satan. It is not our fault, but it is a fact that we can not see what is actually happening to us when we are filled with positive feelings and rushes as a result of our actions because we live a life of coping mechanisms to trauma. Trauma that no one else can ever fathom or heal but God alone.

As Christians, we must give God the reins of our live. We must question our minds and try to train ourselves to separate our intuition from our ego and from our bias. We must learn to tell our needs for rest from the sin of sloth. And our needs for food from the sin of gluttony. There is only one good way to do this. Test your actual human limits. Then you will know. I personally think activities such as backpacking and mountain climbing are important to salvation for this reason. There is no better analogy for the Christian journey than to be a mountain climber. 

I could go on. I can tell you the red flags I saw in the alternative spirituality. Everything from the way you hold your hands to the rules of preserving vibrational states they say. In the end it is worshipping of the ego because there is no higher power to aid in those teachings, but only the self and through these belief systems, giving credit to ourselves for what a higher power did for us. Everything about our life is happening to us whether we want it to or choose it to or not. Things are running like a well-oiled machine and sometimes we drop our gum inside and clog it up, but we are still learning how it works so attributing it all working to ourselves is evil, a lie, and a sin. The worst part here is the devil casts spells on us to trick us into believing we are capable of controlling our power. But we are not capable of controlling the power God gives us without God. Instead, we are broken down and made vulnerable for more attack from satan. 

E.g. Many of the teachings do work. They do give you access to communicate with spirits but that means they make you especially vulnerable to manipulation from the devil if you are without Christ. This is what happened to me.

What is extremely frightening to me to this day is that if I did not know the Jesus prayer or the power of it, I may not be okay. And that is very frightening. Trust your guts. Know what you know. Listen, let others humble you, turn to God and ask for guidance. The first thing the devil tried to do was get me to second-guess myself and what I truly know in my gut. This is different from ego or bias and is usually a "knowing" that is beyond articulation. And that is okay.

Some of the teachings do not work. Some are only lies and perhaps spells the devil casts on us to gain our belief and submit to him. This is frightening. It is frightening how close I got to worshiping or being controlled by the devil. This is likely the definition of demonic possession. It requires our free will which is acquired through manipulation of our dark thoughts in our weakest states. 

The devil does have power over the material world. The devil can and will offer you and give you things in this life. Anything from fame to wealth to long life etc etc etc. he can and he will! If he thinks it will help keep you from God. This is something we forget, I think. And it makes it easy for us to fall!!

Satan grants wishes. Satan can give you sight of the future, and heal you and lengthen your life.

So you must be sure you know what you are dealing with or else flee and stop dealing. Immediately.

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Amen

This is the Jesus prayer and it will protect you if you use it to call upon Christ. In any and all situations. It will always protect you and your soul. Using it saved me. (3 times a charm)

If you are curious about God or Satan, read the bible.  It provides to us a level of detail and understanding that will not lead us into hell through ego but instead will aid us in our spiritual journey (and war). 

If you have been given the knowledge or sensitivity or sight of something spiritual or mystical to be real, but have not read the bible, or have not followed through with your curiosity, I recommend reading the bible. I was one of those. I had been shown miracles that I believed for years but I still did not give credit where it was due. I only went through the motions and did not ponder Jesus Christ. Because He was a man, I assume I can not trust Him as I am a woman. The devil played off of this for me as well. Every weakness will be attacked. We don't know or see. 

I have a lot of work still to be done to save me. Repentance is a lifelong commitment!

Please pray for me!

Important Notions in times of Healing

In moments of uncertainty, stop and sit with yourself. 
Turn inward and ask Jesus Christ what is needed of you in the next moment. 

~

Give yourself permission. Permission to love and have compassion on yourself. Humble yourself. Permission to have faith. 

~

Put yourself in places in which Christ can nourish you--surround yourself with Christians. Be brave.

~

Love your neighbor as yourself. As equally as you love yourself. Amen, Amen, Amen.

~

Jesus Christ has all the answers that you need. For salvation, redemption of our souls, honoring of all truths, and the journey to eternal life. Amen, Amen, Amen.

~

Repent with Joy and Hope

• Give to others; Love selflessly. Our Neighbor is Our Salvation
• Pray unceasingly--and without shame. Ask God for Aid and Gifts in all things.
• Do not be afraid
• Keep your word. Do not make excuses. Do not be slothful.
• Do not clean others with your dirty mop. Be silent.
• Care for all that you have.
• Focus. Patience. Mindfulness. Compassion. Prayer. Gut.
• Discard all that no longer serves you. Discard that which keeps you from loving Christ and Christ's love. "If your hand causes you to sin; cut it off and cast it away from you. If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better to enter the kingdom of heaven maimed!
• "Do not bother yourself with what you will wear or what you will eat. For your father in heaven knows what you need. The birds are fed and given shelter and God in heaven loves you even more than they." !

~

Do not be afraid of death which in turn yields life. As decay is digested by the Earth's lowly and holy creatures in order to make food and home for the next, holier and more evolved generation. This scientific truth is a proclamation of the Gospel and of God's plan for us and eternal life! 
We must first kill the body and become as dirt, to allow Christ to digest our bodies. So that we may be broken down into our simplest parts, so that we may be born again in life eternal. Without death (to our body), our souls will perish! Alleluia Alleluia Alleluia

~

The greatest among us is the servant!

So, likewise, the greatest among creation are the snails and worms, fungi and bacteria!

~

Be mindful! And gently, kindly redirect your thoughts to Christ. Every hour of every day.

Weep and grieve your sin, so that you can rejoice in your salvation!

~

Shed things material that remove your focus and direction from Christ and eternal life, and your salvation.

~

Let go of the thoughts and feelings and ideas of your neighbors. All of them. But also, be humbled to receive their aid or criticism in all things when offered. 

~

Refuge in physical force is a sin. Because, by using force, we are imposing our own will and not trusting in Christ God for aid. If we turn to God, either we are protected miraculously without force on our own part, or we die, with love and in love, or we suffer humility which strengthens our souls as we practice the act of blessing those who curse us and learning from the perspectives lent via hardships.

~

Martyrdom actually is the hardest thing to achieve, contrary to my foolish judgment and criticisms. Because the easiest and most common sin is to love our life and ourselves more than our God. To overcome that with courage and zeal; being 100% willing and ready to sacrifice everything we have for our God is to truly be Christian and worthy of eternal life. 

~

November 2021

The Freedom in Letting Go--And oh is it so so hard

 Life is so long and we weigh ourselves down so heavily by keeping track of every second.

But it is the most emotionally challenging method for me. It's not for everyone.
But we all have a choice we make.
Do we want to live in the present moment and the future?
Or do we want to live in the past?

We keep so much data.

We keep data on everything. Every thought. Every noise. And we use so much energy to store it all.

We pollute and kill the planet to preserve our sense of control. Any sense of control. Control over who we know or don’t know. Control over knowing who we met etc. control over understanding and remembering and knowing everything. So much more than our brains are designed to keep track of. And we put it all on an equal level of importance for us: “stored”.

I wonder if we learned how to let go of the past, how much more value, peace, joy, clarity and hope we would have for the present and future.

I wonder if we got rid of all the things that we haven’t thought about or needed or used or cared about/ that haven’t fed us or given anything to us for x months/years, how much more brain capacity we would have and how much more energy and time we would have to love and live and appreciate the present moment.

Humans weren’t built to live the way we do. To store all this information about our lives. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t natural.

Memories are only as fond as we make them.

To try to remember every single memory we have ever had diminishes their value and their worth. If we only have a limited amount of attention, memory, energy and care to give… then we are dividing it all up into tiny tiny tiny pieces. Thousands. Millions or billions of tiny pieces.

We are wasting our precious life. Our precious memories. Our precious joys and our precious gifts.

I am not surprised by how many men and women have no ability to recollect information in their old age.

This is not a mystery. The answer is right in front of us.

I am going on a quest to clear out the data that I store on all platforms.

To save the things that spark joy and to let go of the things that are even just average.

It is hard. It is not easy.

But a energy healer also said that it is a quick trick to lead to manifestation to make space in your life for the things you want in your future.

You attract what you make space for and what you are. Not who you want to be or what you want to have without effort or change.

The easiest and maybe the healthiest way is to wipe it all clean. Delete all your photos on your phone. Delete your whole Facebook. Delete your instagram. Etc. etc.