Sickness. A little Rant

 tldr; the awe-someness of experiencing your body and soul heal probably makes up for the horrible emotional & physical pain and suffering that chronic illness causes. But it's still hard and I still complain and decided to vent.

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I swear I have been at home sick most of the time I have had my new job, and my doctor tried to convince me that I didn't need her help with migraine medications. I had to interrupt her and stand up for myself. By the end I was so anxious and dissociated that I just wanted to disappear and for it all to be over. Why is the world the way that it is.

I think I must have an autoimmune condition or disease for me to stay sick for so long every time I catch anything. I never get over sicknesses quicker than 7 days. I seem to catch something every month, and then I have a migraine episode every month..

After years of stressful searching, I finally have my dream job and this is what happens.

It literally never ends. Where are the good doctors? Will my month-long wait for my UW med appointments be worth it? I pray so. I reached out to Bastyr to get in with their medical team. Maybe they will listen to me and take me seriously.

I have been living at the end of my rope for years now.

Last month, I had the first respite I can remember with very little pain, and I am starting to see how my hormone cycle is impacting my pain and my migraines as well. I think finally because my stress is decreasing as I turn to Christ and regain hope for my life in my new relationship, my body is starting to tell me what is actually going on. Unsurprisingly, it's what I have been trying to tell everyone this whole time. But it was screaming so loud that no one could hear. :| I wish that I could explain how much pain I have experienced. But I also wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone. I wish that my doctors would at least just shut up and believe me, stop assuming irrelevant stuff, and listen to me.

.... exhales

The truth is that

there is nothing more real in life than pain. There is nothing more centering in life than suffering. There is nothing more humbling in life. Pain is a catalyst for growth. Pain is a catalyst for transformation. Pain heals. When the body is breaking apart and screaming at you, and the whole world is treating you like a lesser being because you are incapable of showing up like you used to, pain is deconstructing your toxic and harmful beliefs, ideologies and wastes of energy. Pain is healing your soul. If you let it.

Saint Paisios would say something like... "Thank you God for this suffering. It was needed for my salvation." What an incredible man. Completely crazy by this world's standards. But more sane than any of us remember how to be.

And, other truth is that

while my soul relearns how to live, my body relearns how to live too. The amount of progress I have made with my Physical Therapist is mindblowing. It has been over a year now of regular PT, and when we think we have done it all, we are proven wrong again. My body was like an onion; layer upon layer of tension, pain, and hurt. My body was holding itself in a guarded pain place for the last decade + of my life because the disease inside of my body was pulling on my organs and muscles; twisting and pulling them into a constant state of spasm.

The amount of pain that I have been experiencing my whole life was already off the charts for most people, so much that I didn't know it was there. I was "used to it".

And now with most of my disease removed (as much as a well-trained human can do), my body is relearning how to be. And my scar tissue still remains where my disease used to be, pulling and pinching in reminding moments. I should write some poetry or music about this, huh...

But, the truth is that week by week, more and more of my body was healing. My scar tissue healed, my wounds healed, and then my body calmed down, and I needed massage therapy. Once my chronic muscle tension was worked, for the first time in my life, the muscles would relax and stay that way. And it was exactly like an onion analogy. Layers external and layers internal all the way deep into my body and my pelvic floor where my disease targeted a lot of its attacks.

The truth is... that most of the medical world still doesn't know how to treat the chronically ill. Most of the world still doesn't know how to treat the disabled. But, the truth is that there are some select few who do a darn-good job, and the body will follow suit.

The truth is, that it takes a lot of faith. The truth is, that our bodies heal anyway. No matter what we decide. We just have to let them. So how are we hindering their healing? Sometimes, the healing our bodies want to do is so hindered, that it can't. Sometimes we have to live with that forever.

But the truth is that the little things are much bigger than anything else in life we pay attention to. Pain is a gift because it forces you to slow down and remember those things, and rejoice in them.

I think many people are unhappy because they are unable to slow down or rejoice in the little things.

So, we suffer. And we rejoice. And this is life. And it is a gift. Even if it's hard.

Thoughts on the craziness of the world

It's not a hate crime to disagree with someone else's lifestyle choices.

Hate crimes are not going to disappear by forcing or shaming society into being politically correct and "doing the right thing" and becoming "woke". Peer pressuring people to become ethical and moral does not make people better people.

For people to become better people, they have to work on themselves and hold themselves accountable and learn how to be selfless and forgive.

Today the orthodox church commemorates Saint Gregory Palamas

 Happy Second Sunday of Great Lent!

Every time I have (virtually) attended Saint Demetrius this year, I have been very inspired and impacted by the sermon. I highly recommend attending a service; virtually or in-person. 
Here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIoY39bECYNuUTUT1PZMT2w 

and here: https://www.saintdemetrios.com/

Today we commemorated Saint Gregory Palamas who, we learned, was advocating for a life of stillness to reconnect and redirect the intellect to ourselves. He was an opponent of a humanist and philosopher Barlaam of the time who, like many, didn't believe that God would or did become a man. 

What I learned today is that Saint Gregory came up with 4 steps to directing your intellect to yourself and therefore reconnecting to Christ. These are:

1. Self Condemnation
   Not self-deprecation. Not despair. Not self hatred. Not a lack of self compassion. Simply recognizing that we will always mess up, and are called to always strive to be better. What are the ways that you messed up? Take responsibility for them. Write them out. Remind yourself that you are not perfect. Don't get comfortable in your errors and mistakes when they take you away from God. This is self-condemnation.
2. Confession of Sins

Confessing sins is an art. And a science. It is extremely healing and releasing. Recharging. It is the act of asking God for forgiveness, and receiving it. Confessing sins must happen to Christ God and not to others. Priests traditional role is to be a witness who can encourage or provide guidance. But confession is between your soul and God and is about letting-go and moving onward.

        3. Making a Promise to God to discard evil ways. 

            To discard the ways that you make mistakes. This is the act of saying "I am going to try better and here is how". The more concrete, the easier to follow. God knows that there are some things that take decades to change. It is important to both be reasonable and gentle to yourself, and also to not skip over this step "because it's too hard". The ability to understand the need to change while still respecting your human inability to change anything permanently overnight is important. This is why:

        4. Pray

            Pray! Ask God for help. Our God wants to be bothered by us. He wants us to want Him. It is significant that the last step is not an "end" nor a "perfection" or some sort of redemptive state. Instead, it is the reasonable and realistic goal and notion of continuing growth and effort. It does not mimic a fantasy or a false notion that humans can achieve a perfect or complete or flawless state on our own. Instead, it emphasizes the need for us to continually ask for God's help and guidance and presence in our life. Remember, the grass would not grow and our stomachs would not digest food if it weren't for God and His design. To be without God is to be not just dead, or nothing. Death implies life first. Without God there is no life first; there is just nothing for us. 

More resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palamism

Psalm 18, NJKV

The heavens declare the glory of God;
The firmament shows the creation of His hands.

Day to day utters speech,

And night to night reveals knowledge.

There is no speech nor language

Where their voices are not heard.

Their proclamation went forth into all the earth,

And their words to the ends of the world.

In the sun He sets His tabernacle;

And it rejoices exceedingly

Like a bridegroom coming forth from his bridal chamber,

Like a strong man to run a race.

Its rising is from one end of heaven,

And its circuit runs to the other end;

And nothing shall be hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is blameless, converting souls;

The testimony of the Lord is trustworthy, making children wise;

The ordinances of the Lord are right, Rejoicing the heart;

The commandment of the Lord is bright, enlightening the eyes;

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring unto ages of ages;

The judgements of the Lord are true, being altogether just.

More to be desired are they than gold and a very precious stone,

Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

For indeed Your servant keeps them;

In keeping them there is great reward.

Who will understand his transgressions?

Cleanse me from hidden sins,

And spare your servant from unnatural sins;

If they have no dominion over me, then I shall be blameless,

And I shall be cleansed from great sin.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be always pleasing before You,

O Lord, my helper and my redeemer.

The True Tale of Rene and Clara

Rene and Clara are complex individuals. Like any humans, they have aspects and stages of their personalities and growth that make them whole; showing themselves at some times and not at others; waxing and waning. Rene and Clara are always whole and always healing from hurt and growing in their own lives. They aren't quick to notice, but they are both perfect and fallible. 

Rene and Clara  are similar and unique. They are both peace-makers and peacekeepers, historically; rocks. They both want to give more than they know how to receive, and they both give more easily to others-- the love that they seek and need to feel themselves. 

They are good at loving. Both of them are, but not as good at loving themselves.

Despite the love between them, shared and given and received, the love between themselves in their own hearts is the love they need the most-- and the sort that they don't know how to reconcile with.  They can give gentle, filling love, but can they receive it? They need to learn how. Not just for love-- but also to truly know and honor themselves. 

The love they gave each other is the love that they themselves need to give their own hearts, minds, bodies. For this reason, the love that Rene and Clara shared when they were together was a big love. It filled them up inside and it poured over. This love alone was so pure and in such short supply within themselves, that it alone felt like enough-- like everything. Infinity. 

And when together, they found a rhythm. "I will love you the way that I need love, and you will love me the way that you need love and in the end, because of our similarity in love-language, we will both be filled." And it worked. It seemed to. For a while.

The ways they need and give love were so compatible; that it felt right. It seemed perfect. It was the best match. And it worked for a long time. And it blossomed their hearts into something bigger than they had known before. 

But unknowingly in their joy, they still couldn't take care of themselves in the emotional ways that they needed-- out of fear, stubbornness, and surely something else. But they could take care of each other and it made them happy. So they did.

Until they couldn't anymore. 

Rene's love for Clara made him feel young and light. An image of him breathing and smiling outside as cherry blossoms fall around him-light. He lifts his head to the sky and laughs, cries. His arms outstretched. 

But even this was a stretch for Rene. He had been ignoring a hard truth. He wasn't attracted to Clara. Somehow, even after all this time, and all the intimacy he wanted to share with her, he just loved her and didn't want to share her body. He loved her so immensely. Not quite like a mother or a daughter, a sibling or a best friend. But more. He wanted to take care of her forever, and to meet all of her needs. He tried. And when he couldn't, time and time again, it left him feeling hollow, wrong, and tormented.

A knot formed in his chest, and it lived there with him. 

For many months, he continued to love Clara. He played the part. He wanted to lift her up. She deserved everything from him. And anything less felt like a betrayal to himself, a blot against his heart. So, he was afraid. Every month or so-- every few weeks, Clara would come to him with her love and affection and ask him; why? when? She wanted to love him and be with him in all ways-- physically, and fully. Rene wanted that for her. Nothing more than to give her that. And the knot returned. And with it, Rene became frozen like a block of ice. Arms, and gut tightened and his throat imobile. 

Rene fought with himself. A war. To force himself to feel or not feel, to be or not be, and in the process to dishonor himself and his truth. He wept. And he wept. He was spent. 

This continued for a long time. Each time Clara returned to him, the knot grew tighter and his limbs grew heavier. He saw her grieve the lack of his touch. He felt sick to his stomach. Furious with himself. In pain. Trapped, lost. 

Then one day, Clara came to him and something had changed. Behind her had eyes sat only concern and compassion. 

"Tell me what weights so heavily on your heart, Rene. " She said. 

Rene did not know why, but in that moment, he summoned the courage, and finally, pulling the knot out of his stomach, he spoke. 

Rene wept. 

Clara wept. 

And Clara wrapped her arms strong around him. 

"It's going to be okay."

And with them, a peace emanated from her onto him. 

So together, they climbed down the mountain they had built. Clara steadied him and held him and comforted him as he walked, and in turn, Rene was there to embrace Clara and soothe her as she wept. 

The truth wasn't any less painful to digest. 

But soon-after, Clara and Rene realized that the only way to love each other fully was to part ways, and to make space in their own lives for the love that they needed to find. 

Eventually, they realized that they were still in need of love from themselves. 

They grieved; strongly and alone, for along time. 

That grief never wiped out the love or fondness they had for each other. No time could blot out their shared joy, optimism, enthusiasm and fond memories.

They hoped and believed that in some way, their love would always remain. So, they began to start again; leaving behind them the past that taught them and grew them. 

Clara hoped that someday her joy would resurface past her fear; and that the love she had would be an inspiration and motivation. But for now, she was still grieving; confused and frustrated at all the understandings and truths she believed she had found; only to discard them now to start anew.

Hoping, praying; someday she would pick up the pieces and realize that something precious and immortal had been born between them, and that would never go away. 

Thank You

Our Society Celebrates Lust! (Also this is not meant to be a shaming post! Just an explicit one!)

Disclaimer: I understand that this post may be triggering. Especially for people who have been raised by extremist Christian communities. Because talk about evil, the devil, and God is used as a weapon against others instead of a tool to enlightenment and healing. I think it is extremely important that when we have these discussions, we frame them with a frame of "I am a sinner, and I am good, and I am loved unconditionally by God. Mentioning "Evil" or "The devil" should not be considered accusatory or attacking/offensive in and of itself. It should not be that on its own. But unfortunately many communities use these terms to scare people and threaten people. This is not Christian. So, with the understanding that I believe that we should not be using fear to shame people into anything, you may proceed.

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Our society celebrates lust.

Our society dominated by men who have lost grip on ethics, on self-discipline… and have become porn addicted to cope with their heart’s disconnection from Christ.. Celebrates! Lust!

Lord Have Mercy!

We don’t know how deep we are in it!
I am bisexual which means that the female body arouses me at the same (or often greater) frequency that the male body does.
I have always been like this. This is not a choice. No I did not “experiment to find out”. I simply was honest with myself about my experience of life.

I wish I could make women realize the damage they are doing to the world when they reveal their bodies in provocative ways. It is extremely provocative and I can tell you for a fact that it is virtually impossible for me to not sin when I see photographs of women in bikini swimsuits.

Yes! Lust is a sin! Arousal and sexuality on their own are not, but lust; the craving for another human who has not been made your own; is!

The desire to self-indulge and self-gratify is!

And any tempting thing that pulls us away from a self-sacrificing unconditional love and respect for our neighbor and our God is a sin and is evil from the devil!

And we can chose whether we perpetuate this evil or not! We have control over our actions! Whether we speak or not. Whether we make something to be serious or a joke. Whether we share our lust and make it commonplace or not.

Women are still raped!!! All over the world!!! Every day!!!

And as a bisexual women with a high libido, I can tell you that as will all problems, there are many complex factors and contributors!

We celebrate lust! We celebrate porn! We foster environments that are conducive to evil. To self-gratifying, and lack-of-respecting-other-human beings-as-holy, evil!

As any horny person should know, the line between selfish and selfless is thin. The line between too far and not is blurry. Sexual arousal by design is intoxicating, addictive, and escapist. The threads to death are numerous!! Self-control and self-respect and respect for others are paramount!

I frankly don’t know how a lonely, spiritually-blind (all of us have blind spots) single person with a high libido in our world WOULDN’T be addicted to porn. It is a damaging. It is harmful. It is dangerous and it is everywhere. It is now commonplace that women make themselves to represent porn; everywhere they go. And to value themselves as a pornographic image is valued. We are more than our sexualities. Life and love is much greater than sex. The blessings Christ offers us in the kingdom of heaven make sex look like a speck of dust. We have to be willing to listen to this truth! Do we want the kingdom of heaven? Do we want the things Christ offers us?
We have to decide. There is no wishy-washy middle place. There is an unconditional love of our Creator OR there is a world of isolation, fear, disorder, and chaos. Like being stuck lost in a foggy town you have never been to and looking for what you hold most dear, and being led far away from it actively.

There is science to back this up. (There always is science to back up the truth btw). Please see: https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-can-porn-harm-consumers-relationships-and-society/

Here is a quick test to see if lust is pulling you into hell at all.
Next time you see a mostly-naked woman (on a bulletin board/in a magazine— oh trust me you will. You might even be surprised how fast it happens once you start waiting for it to)
Notice what your body and mind do and where your eyes gravitate.

Do your eyes:
-Gravitate to her eyes and her face
-Gravitate to her breasts/waist/legs/butt 0

Does your heart:
-crave to be intimate with this stranger 0
-Feel curiosity for who she is as a person
-Feel extreme respect and/or fondness for her as a individual independent human being of her own with her own mind and heart and body and aspirations.

Does your mind:
-wish to give her any possessions she wants without ever seeing from or hearing from her again
-have a willingness to sacrifice your life for her without anything in return
-forgive her for all her sins; no matter how much they hurt you or others or society
-want her to be someone specific 0
-want her to do something specific 0
-want anything from her 0

It should be obvious but if any of these things have a 0 by them, then the devil is manipulating you and pulling you into hell and evil works.
Yes.
This is a real thing.
Dx sigh
I don’t know how to be explicit without triggering someone. It’s just how it is.

Holy Sex

Holy sex inspires loyalty, communion, communication, "Showing up"/vulnerability, acceptance, compassion, honesty, humility.

It makes the evil one flee when both parties are 100% committed to Christ.

Holy sex creates a synergy and amplification of love and talents.

Holy sex in its place and time.

Lord have mercy. 

~

"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily-angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but it rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " 

-1st Book of Corinthians Chapter 13; Verse 4 through 8, The Bible, New International Version