Reflecting On the Year

In 2021 I lived a total of at *least* 6 months of constant severe, debilitating and crippling pain including undergoing an intensive abdominal surgery. I had 3 different jobs plus a move, plus a significant break-up, plus a spiritual death and awakening.

And the only reason I can talk about it now, without being triggered or retraumatized is because I have been given the *incredible gift* of chronic non-crippling and non-debilitating pain most of the time since my laproscopic excision surgery (uncommonly done) and my Physical Therapist AND my Massage Therapist (also uncommonly done). These are the only reasons I have my life back with the level of control near what I desire.

My MD Newville, my PT, and my MT together with me and Jesus Christ my God and Creator all worked miracles through me. It has been a long road, and my scar tissue is still healing. (maybe that's why I am so exhausted all of the time XD)

I went from "I am not right" while every doctor told me "No you are normal *and a whiny paranoid female who is inventing problems that don't exist". To.. "I probably have Endometriosis and this disease is terrifying" To "Yeah so I definitely have it but nobody will believe me, and I need to get this surgery to help my body heal and also to prove it to the world, so that's what I am going to do." I had to trust my own instincts and intuition, knowing that people who love me would question my reasoning. I did it anyway.

Without my friend, Anna, I would not have found this team of wonderworking healers. Nor would I know anything about this disease. I would be in crippling pain without the freedom of the life I want to live. I would be laying flat on my back in pain maybe every day. I don't know where I would be!!

I have learned a lot. I have been through a lot. I have learned that my baseline response to chronic illness is to be a selfish asshole. To myself and to others. Yes, I am serious! I am not good at loving myself when I am low functioning! I am not good at humbling myself and slowing down to meet others when they are going through similar! Yes, I have to have compassion on myself as well. I have learned that selfish assholes are usually selfish assholes because of a trauma response that has become habit.

I used to be the friend who would offer the celiac people in my life gluten at every gathering. I have always forgotten everyone's birthday every year, but so many people would come join me to celebrate mine. So hopefully this year served it's purpose as an educational one. It will take me years to fully process everything I have gone through.

And don't get me started on my surgery recovery. I am a member of an Endometriosis support group, but it is not easy to be because *Most women are stuck where I would have been if I did not receive this treatment*! My friend Anna has the gift of researching, even challenging emotionally-painful topics (which I am incapable of doing) and because of her gift, I received help. Without it, I would be in a different place. I am eternally grateful to you Anna and also to God, who has held my hand every-step of the way on this journey. I am still standing. I have been knocked down so many times, but I am still standing. Glory to God for all life. Amen.