Value Calculations for Life and Time, A dillema

I am a preschool teacher. I have the best job in the world, besides possibly, being a "non-working" mother. (to be seen- hopefully)

Caring-for and raising children is worth an hourly wage of at least $88/hour here in the west coast of the USA in 2025. 

Why? If you factor in basic living costs, and then add-in societal and spiritual value for the entire future of the entire race of human beings or literally a maximum of 34 families per year. (If one year the class size is 17, and every child is raised to success and gets married and creates their own families someday).

And if I go to the store and buy some sanitizing wipes for my kids to stay healthy and clean, it costs me $10. $10 is equivalent to 30 minutes of my time at work. Most of us preschool teachers think; $10 is so little; I don't need to report it to my boss for reimbursement, and I, like them, threw away my receipt in the trash rather than going through the effort of reporting it to my boss for reimbursement. 

30 minutes!!!!!

for some hand-wipes

How many of those 30 minutes do we even have every day? 

wake up 7:30 comfortably... 0 work until 9:00 am... 9:00-12:00 is 8 (30 minutes).... You don't work for half an hour if you care about yourself. then 12:30-5:30 is 10 more (30 minutes)

we ONLY HAVE 18 - $10 hand wipes PER DAY

I CANT ACCEPT THIS

What can I do?

I must either: 

- accept that money is meaningless and just a means to an end

- accept a life of "free-loading" or poverty as higher-status or more authentic

OR

- fight against everyone and everything everywhere to try to get people to WAKE UP AND SEE HOW MUCH ABUSE IS TAKING PLACE

ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE

ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT

Do people treat me like I am a slave serving them at my own cost? No

Will they? No

Should they?

I don't want to be treated that way but People SHOULD be HONEST about WHAT THEY ARE DOING 

AND NOBODY IS BEING HONEST.

When will the world wake-up. Everyone was lied-to when they were told that they would be able to have a roof over their heads and do whatever they wanted to do. "the american dream"

Sickness. A little Rant

 tldr; the awe-someness of experiencing your body and soul heal probably makes up for the horrible emotional & physical pain and suffering that chronic illness causes. But it's still hard and I still complain and decided to vent.

-----------------------------------------------------

I swear I have been at home sick most of the time I have had my new job, and my doctor tried to convince me that I didn't need her help with migraine medications. I had to interrupt her and stand up for myself. By the end I was so anxious and dissociated that I just wanted to disappear and for it all to be over. Why is the world the way that it is.

I think I must have an autoimmune condition or disease for me to stay sick for so long every time I catch anything. I never get over sicknesses quicker than 7 days. I seem to catch something every month, and then I have a migraine episode every month..

After years of stressful searching, I finally have my dream job and this is what happens.

It literally never ends. Where are the good doctors? Will my month-long wait for my UW med appointments be worth it? I pray so. I reached out to Bastyr to get in with their medical team. Maybe they will listen to me and take me seriously.

I have been living at the end of my rope for years now.

Last month, I had the first respite I can remember with very little pain, and I am starting to see how my hormone cycle is impacting my pain and my migraines as well. I think finally because my stress is decreasing as I turn to Christ and regain hope for my life in my new relationship, my body is starting to tell me what is actually going on. Unsurprisingly, it's what I have been trying to tell everyone this whole time. But it was screaming so loud that no one could hear. :| I wish that I could explain how much pain I have experienced. But I also wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone. I wish that my doctors would at least just shut up and believe me, stop assuming irrelevant stuff, and listen to me.

.... exhales

The truth is that

there is nothing more real in life than pain. There is nothing more centering in life than suffering. There is nothing more humbling in life. Pain is a catalyst for growth. Pain is a catalyst for transformation. Pain heals. When the body is breaking apart and screaming at you, and the whole world is treating you like a lesser being because you are incapable of showing up like you used to, pain is deconstructing your toxic and harmful beliefs, ideologies and wastes of energy. Pain is healing your soul. If you let it.

Saint Paisios would say something like... "Thank you God for this suffering. It was needed for my salvation." What an incredible man. Completely crazy by this world's standards. But more sane than any of us remember how to be.

And, other truth is that

while my soul relearns how to live, my body relearns how to live too. The amount of progress I have made with my Physical Therapist is mindblowing. It has been over a year now of regular PT, and when we think we have done it all, we are proven wrong again. My body was like an onion; layer upon layer of tension, pain, and hurt. My body was holding itself in a guarded pain place for the last decade + of my life because the disease inside of my body was pulling on my organs and muscles; twisting and pulling them into a constant state of spasm.

The amount of pain that I have been experiencing my whole life was already off the charts for most people, so much that I didn't know it was there. I was "used to it".

And now with most of my disease removed (as much as a well-trained human can do), my body is relearning how to be. And my scar tissue still remains where my disease used to be, pulling and pinching in reminding moments. I should write some poetry or music about this, huh...

But, the truth is that week by week, more and more of my body was healing. My scar tissue healed, my wounds healed, and then my body calmed down, and I needed massage therapy. Once my chronic muscle tension was worked, for the first time in my life, the muscles would relax and stay that way. And it was exactly like an onion analogy. Layers external and layers internal all the way deep into my body and my pelvic floor where my disease targeted a lot of its attacks.

The truth is... that most of the medical world still doesn't know how to treat the chronically ill. Most of the world still doesn't know how to treat the disabled. But, the truth is that there are some select few who do a darn-good job, and the body will follow suit.

The truth is, that it takes a lot of faith. The truth is, that our bodies heal anyway. No matter what we decide. We just have to let them. So how are we hindering their healing? Sometimes, the healing our bodies want to do is so hindered, that it can't. Sometimes we have to live with that forever.

But the truth is that the little things are much bigger than anything else in life we pay attention to. Pain is a gift because it forces you to slow down and remember those things, and rejoice in them.

I think many people are unhappy because they are unable to slow down or rejoice in the little things.

So, we suffer. And we rejoice. And this is life. And it is a gift. Even if it's hard.

Thoughts on the craziness of the world

It's not a hate crime to disagree with someone else's lifestyle choices.

Hate crimes are not going to disappear by forcing or shaming society into being politically correct and "doing the right thing" and becoming "woke". Peer pressuring people to become ethical and moral does not make people better people.

For people to become better people, they have to work on themselves and hold themselves accountable and learn how to be selfless and forgive.

Today the orthodox church commemorates Saint Gregory Palamas

 Happy Second Sunday of Great Lent!

Every time I have (virtually) attended Saint Demetrius this year, I have been very inspired and impacted by the sermon. I highly recommend attending a service; virtually or in-person. 
Here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIoY39bECYNuUTUT1PZMT2w 

and here: https://www.saintdemetrios.com/

Today we commemorated Saint Gregory Palamas who, we learned, was advocating for a life of stillness to reconnect and redirect the intellect to ourselves. He was an opponent of a humanist and philosopher Barlaam of the time who, like many, didn't believe that God would or did become a man. 

What I learned today is that Saint Gregory came up with 4 steps to directing your intellect to yourself and therefore reconnecting to Christ. These are:

1. Self Condemnation
   Not self-deprecation. Not despair. Not self hatred. Not a lack of self compassion. Simply recognizing that we will always mess up, and are called to always strive to be better. What are the ways that you messed up? Take responsibility for them. Write them out. Remind yourself that you are not perfect. Don't get comfortable in your errors and mistakes when they take you away from God. This is self-condemnation.
2. Confession of Sins

Confessing sins is an art. And a science. It is extremely healing and releasing. Recharging. It is the act of asking God for forgiveness, and receiving it. Confessing sins must happen to Christ God and not to others. Priests traditional role is to be a witness who can encourage or provide guidance. But confession is between your soul and God and is about letting-go and moving onward.

        3. Making a Promise to God to discard evil ways. 

            To discard the ways that you make mistakes. This is the act of saying "I am going to try better and here is how". The more concrete, the easier to follow. God knows that there are some things that take decades to change. It is important to both be reasonable and gentle to yourself, and also to not skip over this step "because it's too hard". The ability to understand the need to change while still respecting your human inability to change anything permanently overnight is important. This is why:

        4. Pray

            Pray! Ask God for help. Our God wants to be bothered by us. He wants us to want Him. It is significant that the last step is not an "end" nor a "perfection" or some sort of redemptive state. Instead, it is the reasonable and realistic goal and notion of continuing growth and effort. It does not mimic a fantasy or a false notion that humans can achieve a perfect or complete or flawless state on our own. Instead, it emphasizes the need for us to continually ask for God's help and guidance and presence in our life. Remember, the grass would not grow and our stomachs would not digest food if it weren't for God and His design. To be without God is to be not just dead, or nothing. Death implies life first. Without God there is no life first; there is just nothing for us. 

More resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palamism

Psalm 18, NJKV

The heavens declare the glory of God;
The firmament shows the creation of His hands.

Day to day utters speech,

And night to night reveals knowledge.

There is no speech nor language

Where their voices are not heard.

Their proclamation went forth into all the earth,

And their words to the ends of the world.

In the sun He sets His tabernacle;

And it rejoices exceedingly

Like a bridegroom coming forth from his bridal chamber,

Like a strong man to run a race.

Its rising is from one end of heaven,

And its circuit runs to the other end;

And nothing shall be hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is blameless, converting souls;

The testimony of the Lord is trustworthy, making children wise;

The ordinances of the Lord are right, Rejoicing the heart;

The commandment of the Lord is bright, enlightening the eyes;

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring unto ages of ages;

The judgements of the Lord are true, being altogether just.

More to be desired are they than gold and a very precious stone,

Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

For indeed Your servant keeps them;

In keeping them there is great reward.

Who will understand his transgressions?

Cleanse me from hidden sins,

And spare your servant from unnatural sins;

If they have no dominion over me, then I shall be blameless,

And I shall be cleansed from great sin.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be always pleasing before You,

O Lord, my helper and my redeemer.

The True Tale of Rene and Clara

Rene and Clara are complex individuals. Like any humans, they have aspects and stages of their personalities and growth that make them whole; showing themselves at some times and not at others; waxing and waning. Rene and Clara are always whole and always healing from hurt and growing in their own lives. They aren't quick to notice, but they are both perfect and fallible. 

Rene and Clara  are similar and unique. They are both peace-makers and peacekeepers, historically; rocks. They both want to give more than they know how to receive, and they both give more easily to others-- the love that they seek and need to feel themselves. 

They are good at loving. Both of them are, but not as good at loving themselves.

Despite the love between them, shared and given and received, the love between themselves in their own hearts is the love they need the most-- and the sort that they don't know how to reconcile with.  They can give gentle, filling love, but can they receive it? They need to learn how. Not just for love-- but also to truly know and honor themselves. 

The love they gave each other is the love that they themselves need to give their own hearts, minds, bodies. For this reason, the love that Rene and Clara shared when they were together was a big love. It filled them up inside and it poured over. This love alone was so pure and in such short supply within themselves, that it alone felt like enough-- like everything. Infinity. 

And when together, they found a rhythm. "I will love you the way that I need love, and you will love me the way that you need love and in the end, because of our similarity in love-language, we will both be filled." And it worked. It seemed to. For a while.

The ways they need and give love were so compatible; that it felt right. It seemed perfect. It was the best match. And it worked for a long time. And it blossomed their hearts into something bigger than they had known before. 

But unknowingly in their joy, they still couldn't take care of themselves in the emotional ways that they needed-- out of fear, stubbornness, and surely something else. But they could take care of each other and it made them happy. So they did.

Until they couldn't anymore. 

Rene's love for Clara made him feel young and light. An image of him breathing and smiling outside as cherry blossoms fall around him-light. He lifts his head to the sky and laughs, cries. His arms outstretched. 

But even this was a stretch for Rene. He had been ignoring a hard truth. He wasn't attracted to Clara. Somehow, even after all this time, and all the intimacy he wanted to share with her, he just loved her and didn't want to share her body. He loved her so immensely. Not quite like a mother or a daughter, a sibling or a best friend. But more. He wanted to take care of her forever, and to meet all of her needs. He tried. And when he couldn't, time and time again, it left him feeling hollow, wrong, and tormented.

A knot formed in his chest, and it lived there with him. 

For many months, he continued to love Clara. He played the part. He wanted to lift her up. She deserved everything from him. And anything less felt like a betrayal to himself, a blot against his heart. So, he was afraid. Every month or so-- every few weeks, Clara would come to him with her love and affection and ask him; why? when? She wanted to love him and be with him in all ways-- physically, and fully. Rene wanted that for her. Nothing more than to give her that. And the knot returned. And with it, Rene became frozen like a block of ice. Arms, and gut tightened and his throat imobile. 

Rene fought with himself. A war. To force himself to feel or not feel, to be or not be, and in the process to dishonor himself and his truth. He wept. And he wept. He was spent. 

This continued for a long time. Each time Clara returned to him, the knot grew tighter and his limbs grew heavier. He saw her grieve the lack of his touch. He felt sick to his stomach. Furious with himself. In pain. Trapped, lost. 

Then one day, Clara came to him and something had changed. Behind her had eyes sat only concern and compassion. 

"Tell me what weights so heavily on your heart, Rene. " She said. 

Rene did not know why, but in that moment, he summoned the courage, and finally, pulling the knot out of his stomach, he spoke. 

Rene wept. 

Clara wept. 

And Clara wrapped her arms strong around him. 

"It's going to be okay."

And with them, a peace emanated from her onto him. 

So together, they climbed down the mountain they had built. Clara steadied him and held him and comforted him as he walked, and in turn, Rene was there to embrace Clara and soothe her as she wept. 

The truth wasn't any less painful to digest. 

But soon-after, Clara and Rene realized that the only way to love each other fully was to part ways, and to make space in their own lives for the love that they needed to find. 

Eventually, they realized that they were still in need of love from themselves. 

They grieved; strongly and alone, for along time. 

That grief never wiped out the love or fondness they had for each other. No time could blot out their shared joy, optimism, enthusiasm and fond memories.

They hoped and believed that in some way, their love would always remain. So, they began to start again; leaving behind them the past that taught them and grew them. 

Clara hoped that someday her joy would resurface past her fear; and that the love she had would be an inspiration and motivation. But for now, she was still grieving; confused and frustrated at all the understandings and truths she believed she had found; only to discard them now to start anew.

Hoping, praying; someday she would pick up the pieces and realize that something precious and immortal had been born between them, and that would never go away. 

Thank You

Our Society Celebrates Lust! (Also this is not meant to be a shaming post! Just an explicit one!)

Disclaimer: I understand that this post may be triggering. Especially for people who have been raised by extremist Christian communities. Because talk about evil, the devil, and God is used as a weapon against others instead of a tool to enlightenment and healing. I think it is extremely important that when we have these discussions, we frame them with a frame of "I am a sinner, and I am good, and I am loved unconditionally by God. Mentioning "Evil" or "The devil" should not be considered accusatory or attacking/offensive in and of itself. It should not be that on its own. But unfortunately many communities use these terms to scare people and threaten people. This is not Christian. So, with the understanding that I believe that we should not be using fear to shame people into anything, you may proceed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our society celebrates lust.

Our society dominated by men who have lost grip on ethics, on self-discipline… and have become porn addicted to cope with their heart’s disconnection from Christ.. Celebrates! Lust!

Lord Have Mercy!

We don’t know how deep we are in it!
I am bisexual which means that the female body arouses me at the same (or often greater) frequency that the male body does.
I have always been like this. This is not a choice. No I did not “experiment to find out”. I simply was honest with myself about my experience of life.

I wish I could make women realize the damage they are doing to the world when they reveal their bodies in provocative ways. It is extremely provocative and I can tell you for a fact that it is virtually impossible for me to not sin when I see photographs of women in bikini swimsuits.

Yes! Lust is a sin! Arousal and sexuality on their own are not, but lust; the craving for another human who has not been made your own; is!

The desire to self-indulge and self-gratify is!

And any tempting thing that pulls us away from a self-sacrificing unconditional love and respect for our neighbor and our God is a sin and is evil from the devil!

And we can chose whether we perpetuate this evil or not! We have control over our actions! Whether we speak or not. Whether we make something to be serious or a joke. Whether we share our lust and make it commonplace or not.

Women are still raped!!! All over the world!!! Every day!!!

And as a bisexual women with a high libido, I can tell you that as will all problems, there are many complex factors and contributors!

We celebrate lust! We celebrate porn! We foster environments that are conducive to evil. To self-gratifying, and lack-of-respecting-other-human beings-as-holy, evil!

As any horny person should know, the line between selfish and selfless is thin. The line between too far and not is blurry. Sexual arousal by design is intoxicating, addictive, and escapist. The threads to death are numerous!! Self-control and self-respect and respect for others are paramount!

I frankly don’t know how a lonely, spiritually-blind (all of us have blind spots) single person with a high libido in our world WOULDN’T be addicted to porn. It is a damaging. It is harmful. It is dangerous and it is everywhere. It is now commonplace that women make themselves to represent porn; everywhere they go. And to value themselves as a pornographic image is valued. We are more than our sexualities. Life and love is much greater than sex. The blessings Christ offers us in the kingdom of heaven make sex look like a speck of dust. We have to be willing to listen to this truth! Do we want the kingdom of heaven? Do we want the things Christ offers us?
We have to decide. There is no wishy-washy middle place. There is an unconditional love of our Creator OR there is a world of isolation, fear, disorder, and chaos. Like being stuck lost in a foggy town you have never been to and looking for what you hold most dear, and being led far away from it actively.

There is science to back this up. (There always is science to back up the truth btw). Please see: https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-can-porn-harm-consumers-relationships-and-society/

Here is a quick test to see if lust is pulling you into hell at all.
Next time you see a mostly-naked woman (on a bulletin board/in a magazine— oh trust me you will. You might even be surprised how fast it happens once you start waiting for it to)
Notice what your body and mind do and where your eyes gravitate.

Do your eyes:
-Gravitate to her eyes and her face
-Gravitate to her breasts/waist/legs/butt 0

Does your heart:
-crave to be intimate with this stranger 0
-Feel curiosity for who she is as a person
-Feel extreme respect and/or fondness for her as a individual independent human being of her own with her own mind and heart and body and aspirations.

Does your mind:
-wish to give her any possessions she wants without ever seeing from or hearing from her again
-have a willingness to sacrifice your life for her without anything in return
-forgive her for all her sins; no matter how much they hurt you or others or society
-want her to be someone specific 0
-want her to do something specific 0
-want anything from her 0

It should be obvious but if any of these things have a 0 by them, then the devil is manipulating you and pulling you into hell and evil works.
Yes.
This is a real thing.
Dx sigh
I don’t know how to be explicit without triggering someone. It’s just how it is.

Holy Sex

Holy sex inspires loyalty, communion, communication, "Showing up"/vulnerability, acceptance, compassion, honesty, humility.

It makes the evil one flee when both parties are 100% committed to Christ.

Holy sex creates a synergy and amplification of love and talents.

Holy sex in its place and time.

Lord have mercy. 

~

"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily-angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but it rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " 

-1st Book of Corinthians Chapter 13; Verse 4 through 8, The Bible, New International Version

Glory to Jesus Christ our Redeemer and Salvation

Send me forgiveness and redemption, Oh my God! 
You are more wonderful than all your works-- and in betrayal, I gave myself over to death. 
I am given the Earth and the heavens, even as I betray you--Oh Holy Christ. 
You do not keep your blessings from me. You do not withhold your grace. 
I am worthy of death, but death you do not give me. 
Oh Holy Christ. When I fall and curse, you raise me up. 
When I die in sin, you die in purity to save my soul. 
Glory to You Oh Lord Glory to You! How wonderful are your works! 
Forgive me Oh Lord; in my unbelief, I have killed you. 
In my fallen state, you have been crucified. 
But how you never leave my side by your pure love. 

January 4th, 2022

A stranger to my soul

 Still my desires are earthly minded. 

Your soul feels untouched by the darkness that I carry.

How could I dare drag you into it with me?

No-- I could not attain your level of prosperity.

How does one relate to the wealth of the heart?

I don't submit. I don't bend. 
Do you see the truth of my nature?

My demise in the depths of a pit.

In a hole at the base of the ocean,

my limbs burn like fire as I seek eternal death.

The flame of my heart burns for salvation and redemption.

The land you live in is foreign to me. Xenia, a stranger, I forever wander.

In tears I plea crying--

Lord God Jesus Christ, Let me not die in loneliness and isolation.

Separated from your light and love.

For all around me, I walk through fire.

The time of war is among us. No soul is exempt. 

I watch as many perish.  I can not save them. 

Do not fear this reality. Do not misunderstand me. 

The only thing we have to fear is the dishonor of our own

hearts and minds to our God and Creator. 

Woe and Woe

Your soul brings me comfort and alarms me--

how do you walk through the fire unscathed?

The demons of sloth or lust may overtake you,

climbing onto your back and yet in the next moment they are turned to dust.

"Our neighbor is our salvation", and your life is overflowing with neighborly love.

The true bliss that we all seek comes from the patience,

and forgiveness of the heart in neighborly love. 

We Christians are called to embrace our talents,

sacrifice our egos, and give our all to each other, in love.

We must love each other about all we receive in life--forever. 

This is the necessary state of an eternal soul. 

Now listen, dear friend.

How am I to attain to your state?

How am I to be forgiven?

When the neighbors God gave me in early life

have sucked me try of my health and wellness..

My heart has been made hard to love.

And when the one who showed it to me the most was taken from my heart and home...

Perhaps temporary but made to feel eternal by satan.

And in response I curse the world,

the maker and the ways.

I sought relief in temporary bandaids of idolatry and lust. 

My only comfort in my distrust of God was death.

Grief turned to despair. 

Hope washed away.

Here me now, dear friend.

My heart beats and it aches.

I am a lone soldier on the battlefield of war.

In my bitterness I fled my allies. In my ego, I ignored my friends.

My isolation was my only sanctuary. 

A death sentence accepted. 

So you see,

whether I could love you matters not right now.

My heart and soul are  battered and broken like a shipwrecked sail. 

I need Christ and I need redemption

and I dare not seek after my own desires or goals any longer. 

My gut shows me my strengths and teaches me humility and faith in my broken moments. 

I am a lost sheep and not anything more. 

Made to be a beacon of the holy spirit, I am a foreigner by action and heart. 

I must be led by the hand of God

to see where my home is to be.

For my judgement and criticism come from satan

and my passions blind me to my present blessings. 

Pray for me, dear friend. In love.

-December 2021-

Reflecting On the Year

In 2021 I lived a total of at *least* 6 months of constant severe, debilitating and crippling pain including undergoing an intensive abdominal surgery. I had 3 different jobs plus a move, plus a significant break-up, plus a spiritual death and awakening.

And the only reason I can talk about it now, without being triggered or retraumatized is because I have been given the *incredible gift* of chronic non-crippling and non-debilitating pain most of the time since my laproscopic excision surgery (uncommonly done) and my Physical Therapist AND my Massage Therapist (also uncommonly done). These are the only reasons I have my life back with the level of control near what I desire.

My MD Newville, my PT, and my MT together with me and Jesus Christ my God and Creator all worked miracles through me. It has been a long road, and my scar tissue is still healing. (maybe that's why I am so exhausted all of the time XD)

I went from "I am not right" while every doctor told me "No you are normal *and a whiny paranoid female who is inventing problems that don't exist". To.. "I probably have Endometriosis and this disease is terrifying" To "Yeah so I definitely have it but nobody will believe me, and I need to get this surgery to help my body heal and also to prove it to the world, so that's what I am going to do." I had to trust my own instincts and intuition, knowing that people who love me would question my reasoning. I did it anyway.

Without my friend, Anna, I would not have found this team of wonderworking healers. Nor would I know anything about this disease. I would be in crippling pain without the freedom of the life I want to live. I would be laying flat on my back in pain maybe every day. I don't know where I would be!!

I have learned a lot. I have been through a lot. I have learned that my baseline response to chronic illness is to be a selfish asshole. To myself and to others. Yes, I am serious! I am not good at loving myself when I am low functioning! I am not good at humbling myself and slowing down to meet others when they are going through similar! Yes, I have to have compassion on myself as well. I have learned that selfish assholes are usually selfish assholes because of a trauma response that has become habit.

I used to be the friend who would offer the celiac people in my life gluten at every gathering. I have always forgotten everyone's birthday every year, but so many people would come join me to celebrate mine. So hopefully this year served it's purpose as an educational one. It will take me years to fully process everything I have gone through.

And don't get me started on my surgery recovery. I am a member of an Endometriosis support group, but it is not easy to be because *Most women are stuck where I would have been if I did not receive this treatment*! My friend Anna has the gift of researching, even challenging emotionally-painful topics (which I am incapable of doing) and because of her gift, I received help. Without it, I would be in a different place. I am eternally grateful to you Anna and also to God, who has held my hand every-step of the way on this journey. I am still standing. I have been knocked down so many times, but I am still standing. Glory to God for all life. Amen.

You are not

 You are not your failures.

You are not your successes.

You are not your feelings.

You are not your fears.

You are not your ideas.

You are not your sins.

You are not your talents.

You are not your possessions.

You are not your thoughts.

You are not your body.

You are not your sexuality.

You are not your politics. 

You are not your ideology. 

You are not your experiences.

You are not inherently bad when you do bad things.

You are not bad when you think about bad things.

You are not bad when you feel bad things. 

You are more than that.

Life Update

As you probably know, I am not good at not sharing. A lot of really paramount things have happened to me in my spiritual life, and it has been hard for me as I have kept it to myself to digest and not mis-speak. I fear being misunderstood. I pray these words can be accepted even if not comprehended. I have learned that we humans are not designed to comprehend everything nor capable of living at the same time as knowing or understanding everything, at least not in our current state. In my Pride and Ego and desire for mental control to soothe my insecurities, I have fallen a long way, for a long time, unknowlingly. My soul was lost and tasted death. 

A number of very specific things happened in my life resulting in the realization that my soul had been walking into hell. It started in a place of omnist, pegan-inspired and hindu and buddhist inspired spiritual exploration. This is my story. Jesus Christ reached down to hades and pulled me out of hell. Only when I cried to Him. Only when I saw my truth. But every time I did so. I am a sinner. I am a lost sheep. I do not want consolation!!! Jesus Christ is my consolation and to take away sight of sin from someone is evil. 

In my heart along my journey, I have been very afraid of rejection. So many people that I love and care about have been hurt by Christians. I let this feed my distain for Christians and avoided Christian communities. But the truth is that only Jesus Christ can save us. When we don’t fall, we don’t need it enough. When we don’t fall, we don’t want it enough. When we need it and we want it, we will find it. Don’t be afraid to fall. Faith is a gift, but our hearts must be open to receive it. 

My job isn’t to fix you. My job isn’t to convert you. I can't heal you. I am a sinner. My only task is to take up my cross in battle against Satan through the intercessions of the Saints and calling upon Jesus Christ to my aid. Love is the answer. Patience and compassion and humility are the answer. And respect and free-will are essential components of love.

I don’t know everything. I am not meant to know everything. In my attempt to know more than I ought, I found death. To be a Christian is to pester God to save you and guide you and keep you from the evil one. It is to be uncomfortable and to rejoice in it. It is to face persecution willingly with open arms. It is not easy. But it is the cup that overflows. And we are called to it. 

I don’t know what is going to happen in my social life when people hear this from me. I may lose loved ones. I may start fights. But whatever happens, Let God’s will be done. These are hard times. There is no use pretending to fit in. That is not who I am. That is not who I want to be nor who I am meant to be.

Here is what I see now that I did not:

-satan is absolutely real. My fear/deciding to not believe doesn’t change the facts or make it go away.

-Christians who do evil are under attack by satan.

-all people who do evil are under attack by satan. 

[Evil is anything from complaining to murder. There is a wide spectrum of what constitutes evil but I think we can all agree that the things that hurt us in the end probably weren’t good for us to begin with like we thought they would be. There are a million beautiful (holy) secular lenses with which to see the truth and to understand this concept. Harness the tools that you have and don’t let others bully you away from them.]

-God works in all things. God gets His hands dirty. He does not shy away from using all tools and all means to get our attention or lead us to salvation. He is *always* laboring to lead us to salvation and get our attention. All we have to do is let ourselves soften and be curious as a child and as loyal to our God as an animal companion to its human.

-The bible is packed full of wisdom and healing. As someone who considered myself Christian for 23 years, I still have not read the whole bible and avoiding it has been an unrealized action of me habitually giving way to temptation of the devil. 

-Regardless of the evil done publicly and openly by Christians! The bible ! Is healing ! Jesus Christ ! Is good ! And saving ! And all-loving !

I can’t stress this enough. Self-proclaimed Christians have committed some of the worst atrocities throughout human history, but it does not discredit Jesus Christ himself or the bible itself.. In the same way that a husband and wife do not deserve the same punishment when one falls and the other does not. We are our own beings. 
People talk shit about the bible, but so few people have actually read it in my experience.

-Everybody worships something.
Most of us worship our significant others. This is the most common theme. We fall down at their feet with all our vulnerability. We ask them to fix us and heal us. We sing about them “completing us”, and we give them all our problems. And it ruins us. It ruins us and them because no human can handle that weight. Only God can handle that weight. He is the only one who will ever be able to. Some people worship their solitude, themselves. Some people worship their homes and their possessions. Some their friends. Who knows. It is not our job to figure it out for anyone else but only our job to look at and take responsibility for ourselves.

-Following rules sets us free and ignoring them enslaves us.
As a tree is free by growing like a tree and doing what trees do best, and a cat is free by living like a cat and doing what cats do, and a bird is free by living like birds do… and when fair rules are followed, it creates societies, it creates machines, it creates computers and these all are greater than their individual parts. All of nature is built on the rules of science. Rules are freedom. Even Jesus Christ does not ask unfair rules. We are children and we are naïve and it is not easy trusting someone else to decide things for us. In the world we are let down by all, but in Christ we will never be let down. If you don’t believe me read the book of Job.

-You can not have the church without the saints. The church is a family and God is the father of the family. It is a large and diverse family. And we are all invited to be members of it. We are all called to be saints. Do not worship anyone besides Jesus Christ God. These are people meant to be your mentors and friends, your fellow warriors for Christ where prayer to God is our weapon. We kiss them and pray to them out of honor, asking for their prayers for us. They are the masters of prayer, and if you take time to be curious and get to know them you will find that they are all extremely unique and diverse, living God’s will through their own truths in their own being that God gave them to be. Let them reach out to you and reach out to them in return. Develop these relationships and let them inspire you. God gave his Holy Spirit and humbled himself, relinquishing control so that He could be with us. And those who follow Him he brings to the rank of His friends. He is our Shepherd and we are His sheep but it is much more than that, beyond human words, explanation or comprehension. Do not isolate yourself from the church which is your eternal family. No matter how you disagree with others. Our neighbor is our salvation. Discourse is healthy and we should learn it in love and respect. We must let others humble us and gain insight from them. As flawed humans we each only know a part of the picture and we are in need of each other to be shown our blind spots. 

-Tarot cards are against God’s will for humans to use. I don’t know anything else except that they absolutely do work and it leads people who realize this into hell via addiction, ego-filling, and turning to the cards more than Christ. Aka Idolatry, and the easiest path to be led to hell for me. If we are capable of knowing and experiencing without it killing us, God gives it to us. But we are blinded by satan. It is not our fault, but it is a fact that we can not see what is actually happening to us when we are filled with positive feelings and rushes as a result of our actions because we live a life of coping mechanisms to trauma. Trauma that no one else can ever fathom or heal but God alone.

As Christians, we must give God the reins of our live. We must question our minds and try to train ourselves to separate our intuition from our ego and from our bias. We must learn to tell our needs for rest from the sin of sloth. And our needs for food from the sin of gluttony. There is only one good way to do this. Test your actual human limits. Then you will know. I personally think activities such as backpacking and mountain climbing are important to salvation for this reason. There is no better analogy for the Christian journey than to be a mountain climber. 

I could go on. I can tell you the red flags I saw in the alternative spirituality. Everything from the way you hold your hands to the rules of preserving vibrational states they say. In the end it is worshipping of the ego because there is no higher power to aid in those teachings, but only the self and through these belief systems, giving credit to ourselves for what a higher power did for us. Everything about our life is happening to us whether we want it to or choose it to or not. Things are running like a well-oiled machine and sometimes we drop our gum inside and clog it up, but we are still learning how it works so attributing it all working to ourselves is evil, a lie, and a sin. The worst part here is the devil casts spells on us to trick us into believing we are capable of controlling our power. But we are not capable of controlling the power God gives us without God. Instead, we are broken down and made vulnerable for more attack from satan. 

E.g. Many of the teachings do work. They do give you access to communicate with spirits but that means they make you especially vulnerable to manipulation from the devil if you are without Christ. This is what happened to me.

What is extremely frightening to me to this day is that if I did not know the Jesus prayer or the power of it, I may not be okay. And that is very frightening. Trust your guts. Know what you know. Listen, let others humble you, turn to God and ask for guidance. The first thing the devil tried to do was get me to second-guess myself and what I truly know in my gut. This is different from ego or bias and is usually a "knowing" that is beyond articulation. And that is okay.

Some of the teachings do not work. Some are only lies and perhaps spells the devil casts on us to gain our belief and submit to him. This is frightening. It is frightening how close I got to worshiping or being controlled by the devil. This is likely the definition of demonic possession. It requires our free will which is acquired through manipulation of our dark thoughts in our weakest states. 

The devil does have power over the material world. The devil can and will offer you and give you things in this life. Anything from fame to wealth to long life etc etc etc. he can and he will! If he thinks it will help keep you from God. This is something we forget, I think. And it makes it easy for us to fall!!

Satan grants wishes. Satan can give you sight of the future, and heal you and lengthen your life.

So you must be sure you know what you are dealing with or else flee and stop dealing. Immediately.

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Lord Jesus Christ son of God Have Mercy on Me a Sinner. 

Amen

This is the Jesus prayer and it will protect you if you use it to call upon Christ. In any and all situations. It will always protect you and your soul. Using it saved me. (3 times a charm)

If you are curious about God or Satan, read the bible.  It provides to us a level of detail and understanding that will not lead us into hell through ego but instead will aid us in our spiritual journey (and war). 

If you have been given the knowledge or sensitivity or sight of something spiritual or mystical to be real, but have not read the bible, or have not followed through with your curiosity, I recommend reading the bible. I was one of those. I had been shown miracles that I believed for years but I still did not give credit where it was due. I only went through the motions and did not ponder Jesus Christ. Because He was a man, I assume I can not trust Him as I am a woman. The devil played off of this for me as well. Every weakness will be attacked. We don't know or see. 

I have a lot of work still to be done to save me. Repentance is a lifelong commitment!

Please pray for me!

Important Notions in times of Healing

In moments of uncertainty, stop and sit with yourself. 
Turn inward and ask Jesus Christ what is needed of you in the next moment. 

~

Give yourself permission. Permission to love and have compassion on yourself. Humble yourself. Permission to have faith. 

~

Put yourself in places in which Christ can nourish you--surround yourself with Christians. Be brave.

~

Love your neighbor as yourself. As equally as you love yourself. Amen, Amen, Amen.

~

Jesus Christ has all the answers that you need. For salvation, redemption of our souls, honoring of all truths, and the journey to eternal life. Amen, Amen, Amen.

~

Repent with Joy and Hope

• Give to others; Love selflessly. Our Neighbor is Our Salvation
• Pray unceasingly--and without shame. Ask God for Aid and Gifts in all things.
• Do not be afraid
• Keep your word. Do not make excuses. Do not be slothful.
• Do not clean others with your dirty mop. Be silent.
• Care for all that you have.
• Focus. Patience. Mindfulness. Compassion. Prayer. Gut.
• Discard all that no longer serves you. Discard that which keeps you from loving Christ and Christ's love. "If your hand causes you to sin; cut it off and cast it away from you. If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better to enter the kingdom of heaven maimed!
• "Do not bother yourself with what you will wear or what you will eat. For your father in heaven knows what you need. The birds are fed and given shelter and God in heaven loves you even more than they." !

~

Do not be afraid of death which in turn yields life. As decay is digested by the Earth's lowly and holy creatures in order to make food and home for the next, holier and more evolved generation. This scientific truth is a proclamation of the Gospel and of God's plan for us and eternal life! 
We must first kill the body and become as dirt, to allow Christ to digest our bodies. So that we may be broken down into our simplest parts, so that we may be born again in life eternal. Without death (to our body), our souls will perish! Alleluia Alleluia Alleluia

~

The greatest among us is the servant!

So, likewise, the greatest among creation are the snails and worms, fungi and bacteria!

~

Be mindful! And gently, kindly redirect your thoughts to Christ. Every hour of every day.

Weep and grieve your sin, so that you can rejoice in your salvation!

~

Shed things material that remove your focus and direction from Christ and eternal life, and your salvation.

~

Let go of the thoughts and feelings and ideas of your neighbors. All of them. But also, be humbled to receive their aid or criticism in all things when offered. 

~

Refuge in physical force is a sin. Because, by using force, we are imposing our own will and not trusting in Christ God for aid. If we turn to God, either we are protected miraculously without force on our own part, or we die, with love and in love, or we suffer humility which strengthens our souls as we practice the act of blessing those who curse us and learning from the perspectives lent via hardships.

~

Martyrdom actually is the hardest thing to achieve, contrary to my foolish judgment and criticisms. Because the easiest and most common sin is to love our life and ourselves more than our God. To overcome that with courage and zeal; being 100% willing and ready to sacrifice everything we have for our God is to truly be Christian and worthy of eternal life. 

~

November 2021

The Freedom in Letting Go--And oh is it so so hard

 Life is so long and we weigh ourselves down so heavily by keeping track of every second.

But it is the most emotionally challenging method for me. It's not for everyone.
But we all have a choice we make.
Do we want to live in the present moment and the future?
Or do we want to live in the past?

We keep so much data.

We keep data on everything. Every thought. Every noise. And we use so much energy to store it all.

We pollute and kill the planet to preserve our sense of control. Any sense of control. Control over who we know or don’t know. Control over knowing who we met etc. control over understanding and remembering and knowing everything. So much more than our brains are designed to keep track of. And we put it all on an equal level of importance for us: “stored”.

I wonder if we learned how to let go of the past, how much more value, peace, joy, clarity and hope we would have for the present and future.

I wonder if we got rid of all the things that we haven’t thought about or needed or used or cared about/ that haven’t fed us or given anything to us for x months/years, how much more brain capacity we would have and how much more energy and time we would have to love and live and appreciate the present moment.

Humans weren’t built to live the way we do. To store all this information about our lives. It isn’t healthy. It isn’t natural.

Memories are only as fond as we make them.

To try to remember every single memory we have ever had diminishes their value and their worth. If we only have a limited amount of attention, memory, energy and care to give… then we are dividing it all up into tiny tiny tiny pieces. Thousands. Millions or billions of tiny pieces.

We are wasting our precious life. Our precious memories. Our precious joys and our precious gifts.

I am not surprised by how many men and women have no ability to recollect information in their old age.

This is not a mystery. The answer is right in front of us.

I am going on a quest to clear out the data that I store on all platforms.

To save the things that spark joy and to let go of the things that are even just average.

It is hard. It is not easy.

But a energy healer also said that it is a quick trick to lead to manifestation to make space in your life for the things you want in your future.

You attract what you make space for and what you are. Not who you want to be or what you want to have without effort or change.

The easiest and maybe the healthiest way is to wipe it all clean. Delete all your photos on your phone. Delete your whole Facebook. Delete your instagram. Etc. etc.